


Little White Lies

by humble_beginnings



Category: Actor RPF, American Actor RPF, Jeremy Renner - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 18:01:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 28,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4189608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humble_beginnings/pseuds/humble_beginnings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenzi Sullivan: self confessed computer nerd with a top position on a film set. Will a leather clad actor convince her that she is being controlled and mistreated by the man she loves? What will happen when his secret life comes out in the open?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> ***TRIGGER WARNINGS***  
> 18+ only please  
> NSFW  
> Contains domestic violence, dub-con, suicide, drug use, sex.

Kenzi Sullivan parked her car and walked on to the set with her backpack. She was dressed for the Los Angeles summer in faded jeans, cons, and a tshirt with 'Nerd Herd' printed across the front. Her chestnut hair hung in a plait down the middle of her back, the front already falling around her face, the hot pink and electric blue highlights shining in the sun. Her solid rimmed glasses framed and accentuated her blue-green eyes and the spattering of freckles across her pale cheeks and nose.

"Morning Kenzi," Jed, the director, called out as she approached the crew tent. "Beautiful day to make a movie,"

"Sure is. Everything working so far?"

"Yep. Thanks for getting everything set up yesterday."

"That's my job. I'm heading over to set up the review gear now. If you need anything just call me."

"I will. I believe you're under 'personal geek'"

"Haha that would be me,"

Jed and Kenzi had met through a mutual friend at comic con a couple of years ago, and their shared interests kept them in regular contact. Kenzi was originally from Australia but mostly worked in the United States now, as a freelance contractor in IT. She had jumped at the chance to do this job when Jed had asked her. It was a huge responsibility to oversee the amount of equipment on set and in post production as the IT Lead, Kenzi hoped she was up to the challenge. When he told her it was a superhero movie it was too good for her inner nerd to pass up.

The crew had already set up the review tent and got power to it, the rest was up to Kenzi. The equipment was piled in cases just outside and she brought in monitors, cables, computer towers as she needed them. On her way around the corner with two large cases she almost ran straight into a man she didn't recognise.

"I'm so sorry," she said, setting the cases down on a table. "Are you OK?" She noticed he was quite tall and had bright blue-green eyes, and was dressed in black leather pants and vest, leaving his tanned and muscled shoulders bare. He was grinning playfully at her.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Do you need a hand?"

"No. Thanks though."

"Sure? I'm dressed for heavy lifting and everything," he laughed and extended his hand. "I'm Jeremy,"

"Kenzi. I'm running the IT setup."

"Oh, does that mean you can fix my laptop?"

"That depends on what's wrong with it, but yeah I probably can. With one hand." She smiled.

"Careful I might hold you to that," he winked. "Actually it just won't hook up to the wireless, but everyone else's has."

"Well I can certainly fix that. Give me a call when you're free for a while and I'll come over to the dressing room." She handed him her card and picked up another case.

"I'll do that, thanks." He walked off in the direction of the other actors and Kenzi went back to unpacking.

* * *

 

A few hours later, when Jed actually had something to review, she took him and the editors to the review tent. Everything was powered up and ready to go, and she left them to it while she replaced some cabling on the set. They cut out early for the day and Kenzi drove the short distance home. She relished coming home to an empty apartment, though she knew she shouldn't and felt just a little guilty. Being home alone meant she didn't have to choose her words carefully, and she settled in on the couch with her laptop. The latest thing she was trying to learn was writing her own android apps, and she watched a few videos and read 20 or so pages before trying something simple. Not realising how much time had passed, she jumped when she heard a key in the door and closed the laptop.

Ethan was taller than Kenzi, average height but solidly built. He should be, given the time he spent at the gym. His almost black hair was short and well groomed and he was always clean shaven and his lightly tanned skin complimented his dark brown eyes. He was wearing a suit, dark grey pinstripe with a white shirt and light blue tie. Quite striking, really. Kenzi often looked at him in his sleep and thought how lovely his body was, when she was allowed to let her eyes wander over him.

"You're home early." He said. "What are you doing?"

"Just, nothing. We finished early today."

"Lucky you." She stood up and he stood in front of her. "You didn't wear that to work, did you?"

Kenzi giggled a little. "Yes, I need to be comfortable. This isn't a desk job, Ethan." He eyed her so intently she looked down at her shoes.

"You know you'll never get anywhere dressing like that and having streaks in your hair like a teenager? When are you going to take things seriously?"

"I am, I do... you realise this is a legit job, don't you? Just because I'm not in an office wearing heels doesn't mean it's all fun and games. I am actually very good at what I do."

"Well I wish you would do something more... mature, than playing with computers all day."

"Like accounting?"

"Finance," he corrected, walking to the bedroom. Kenzi went to the kitchen to start dinner. "Don't make anything for me," he called when she opened the fridge. "I'm going out for drinks with the boys." She rolled her eyes and was grateful he couldn't see her.

"You don't want something to eat first? I can tell you all about my first day?"

"Let me see.... geek geek superheros nerdy computer stuff 'oh Kenzi you're so awesome for fixing my ipad'" he mocked. "I'm going out for some grown up time. Don't wait up." He kissed her coldly on the cheek and left.

 _Yep, that pretty much sums it up_ , Kenzi thought, smiling. She was somewhat immune to his attitude after all these years. They had started dating at university while he was in Australia to study and travel. And now... she gave him the obligatory sex three times a week and he gave her familiarity.

 

 


	2. Chapter Two

The following morning Kenzi got out of bed and went for a run as she always did. The sun was just starting to light the sky, colouring everything in yellow gold. She enjoyed the solitude, just her and the music blasting in her ears and the pavement under her feet.

She arrived at the set early, getting set up before Jed arrived. They were mid-conversation when Jeremy arrived. It was nice to see him out of his costume in jeans, sneakers and a tshirt that was just enough for some of his muscles to show when he moved.

"Jeremy, this is-"

"Kenzi, right?" She nodded. "We met yesterday. She tried to take me out with a monitor case. I'll give you a call later today if that's ok?"

"Calm down, I'm fixing his laptop." She said when Jed shot her a look. "I'll bet. Ethan would have a fit." He whispered.

"Yes he would." She grinned.

"Can I watch?"

After lunch Kenzi got a message on her phone. 'I have a couple of hours now if that suits you. I'll be in my dressing room, I'm sure you can find it ;) Jeremy'

'You're responsible if I walk in on someone else naked then. I'm on my way.'

She took her bag and ate a couple of pieces of sushi on her way over, and found the door marked Jeremy Renner. She knocked and he opened the door a little faster than expected, she was still chewing and he laughed while she cleared her mouth. "Sorry. Just finishing lunch." She blushed.

"I thought you got lunch with the rest of us."

"Me? No. While you're eating lunch I'm running backups and fixing stuff. I don't really sit down and have lunch anyway. Sitting still is not my thing. So, your laptop. Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"

"Um. No?"

Kenzi laughed. "Let's start there then shall we?"

After a few minutes without success a driver update had it all fixed. "Well that was easy. Literally you just did it one handed. Imagine what you could do with two," he winked and Kenzi noticed his eyes sparkle. Kenzi tried to hide her flushed cheeks and cleared her throat.

"I should get back to it, I've already got some parts that need replacing. Call me if you need anything else?"

"I will. Will I see you tonight?"

"Tonight?"

"We're all going out for drinks after dinner, I thought Jed might have invited you already. You should come."

"Bar full of actors? Not really my scene. I'll think about it."

"It's not just actors, a lot of the senior crew are coming. Think about it. We might be mostly pretentious dickheads but we can also be a lot of fun,"

"I'll think about it. I'm sure I'll see you around either way."

"I hope so. Thanks."

Kenzi walked back out into the sunshine and over to the tech trailer. Her small desk was already piled up with bits and pieces that were not working out of the box or had been damaged. She sighed and logged the warranty items first, then identifying the parts she needed to repair the rest. The supplier would have more to them in a couple of hours, and she went to give Jed an update.

"Thanks Kenzi, so they'll all be fixed this afternoon?"

"Hmm, should be. I'll do them in order of priority just in case but I'll do my best."

"I hear you're coming out with us tonight?" He smirked. "Honestly I'd have asked you but I thought you'd say no,"

"I did say no. Actually I said I'd think about it. But I meant no."

"Well if you change your mind, you know where to find us."

She worked a little late but got everything done and was home just before seven. When she opened the door Ethan stormed down the hallway. "Where were you?"

"At work. Why?"

"It's almost seven, Kenzi."

"Did we have plans?"

"Don't get smart with me. If you're going to be late you let me know."

"You know I have a phone, right? And it's always on. Do you need the number again?"

"I shouldn't have to call you, just tell me if you're going to be late. Got it?"

"Yep." She turned and went in to the bedroom.

"I'm going out, I'll see you when I get home."

"And when will that be? 3am? 4? Should I expect to be molested in my sleep again?" She said sarcastically.

Ethan slammed his hands in to the wall on either side of her head, trapping her and making her jump involuntarily. "Whenever I feel like it. And if I feel like it. Clear?"

Kenzi cleared her throat and looked up at him. "Crystal." He kissed her roughly on the lips and left.

She sighed with relief as he closed the door behind him. Most days she just played along, meek and mild like he wanted. But some days... sometimes she just liked pushing his buttons, liked to pretend for a few minutes that she wasn't under his control and she could behave how she liked, pretend she had free will in her own home. She needed to learn to stop one button earlier though, now she had a headache.

An hour later her phone buzzed, she had a message from Jeremy. 'We're here! Come on I'll buy you a drink, you know you want to.' She thought for a moment. She hadn't been out drinking with friends since... since she and Ethan had moved in together. Before that she could get away with it without him knowing. Otherwise she didn't go anywhere except work without him, and they made the most beautiful couple at every party. Everyone thought they were perfect. He was infamous for his temper and jealousy and wasn't above making a scene when they were out together, but only because he loved her so much. Apparently.

She went to the wardrobe and opened it. She could easily be back before Ethan knew she was gone and he'd never know. Excitement started to rise in her stomach. She felt like a teenager sneaking out the bedroom window. Changing into a pair of skinny jeans and a long sparkly tank with black heels, she pulled her hair out of its loose braid and let it hang down her back in messy curls. Lastly she went to the bathroom and put on some makeup, and ditched her glasses for contacts. They were at a club not far from her house, so she walked the ten minutes there, showing her set id pass to the doorman to get into the VIP room.

She walked up to Jed and slipped an arm around his waist. "Hey! I thought you weren't coming?"

"I wasn't. Ethan went out, thought I might as well."

"Won't he be furious?"

"I'll be home before he is, trust me."

"You rebel," he smiled. "Let's get you a drink then," he led her to the bar where they ran into Jeremy.

He looked her up and down, not recognising her for a moment, and she thought she saw a hint of a blush in his cheeks when realisation dawned on his face. "Wow. Hi. You um, you look different. Without glasses. Um, drink?"

"Beer please," she smiled. Suddenly she noticed Jed had left them alone.

"Your boyfriend not with you?" He asked.

"My, um. No. He isn't."

"Sorry, it's none of my business, I was talking to Jed earlier and I might have asked if you were single."

"Oh, right. He went out earlier with his work mates, I'm not sure where."

"What kind of guy would leave you at home while they went out?" Kenzi looked down at the floor. "Again, sorry, none of my business I'm just going to stop talking about it now. So.... your accent, you're Australian yeah?"

"Yeah. Been here for a long time but I'm determined not to lose the accent. You are obviously a Californian native?"

"Is it that obvious?" He laughed.

After a few drinks time got away and most of the others had left. Kenzi jumped when her phone rang on the table and she saw it was Ethan. "Fuck," she said softly before answering it. She didn't get a chance to speak.

"Where the fuck are you, Kenzi?"

"I just... Jed wanted to discuss some things for work, over a drink. Time got away from us, I'm sorry. I'm on my way home now, I'll be ten minutes."

"You have five and then I'm coming to get you,"

"Ethan it's a ten minute walk-" he had already hung up.

"I have to go, I'm sorry. I didn't think he would be home so early."

"I'll walk you."

"No, it's fine,"

"I'll insist. You are not walking home like that alone."

"No," she said as they got to the door and she removed her shoes. "I'm running. I'm really sorry, Jeremy. I'll explain tomorrow."

 


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of dub-con/ forceful sex and violence in this chapter (just a little). You have been warned.

Ethan was never outright violent, but Kenzi braced herself as she put her key in the door. Running after that much beer was a bit of a mistake and she felt out of breath and a little nauseous. She knew she would be somehow punished, it was only a matter of how and how much. She opened the door and was surprised he wasn't standing right there waiting for her. There was a single light on in the bedroom so she went there and started undressing. She could see Ethan was in bed already, with his back to her.

"Don't you even think about getting in this bed without showering. God knows what filth have had their hands on you."

Without saying anything she went to the bathroom and showered, washing her hair and letting the warm water run over her toned body. When she was done she half dried her hair and braided it loosely, towelled off and went back to the bedroom, sliding in to bed naked and praying Ethan was already asleep. He turned to face her when she switched off the light and her stomach sank. He pulled her to the middle of the bed on her back and lay on top of her. "You're so beautiful, Kenzi. Why do you insist on making me so angry?" He pressed his lips hard into hers to the point of pain, and roughly bit her tongue, almost making her yelp. She put her hands on his chest to push him back a little and he slapped a hand around her left wrist, squeezing hard. This time she couldn't hold it in and let out a squeak into his mouth. "You're mine. Remember that." He slammed her arm back down on the bed, releasing his grip on her wrist. He hooked her legs up further than she was comfortable and pressed his erection against her entrance. She had turned her head to the side and closed her eyes. She had tolerated this before, and she would again. At least it would be over quickly.

"Look at me, Kenzi. I want your eyes on mine." She met his stare, refusing to show any weakness and fighting any kind of expression as he forced himself roughly inside her. Apparently she had failed. "I love the way your eyes widen when I fill you up. Just the way you like it." Kenzi kept quiet, knowing if she said anything she would only make it worse for herself. Forcing her legs apart and trying to get deeper inside, Ethan twisted her knee too far and she cried out. She felt him spurt inside her and sighed, grateful it was over. He pulled out and rolled her over to face away from him and she rubbed at the sharp pain in her knee as she straightened it out. "Fuck, Kenzi, when will you learn? What do I have to do to make you learn?"

I will not apologise. He'll be asleep in two minutes if I just stay quiet.

Like clockwork, he was snoring softly a couple of minutes later. Kenzi quietly took two advil from her bedside table and washed them down with some water. It was then that she noticed there was a message on her phone from Jeremy.

'Just checking you got home ok. And you're safe.' She replied quickly, careful not to wake Ethan.

'I did and I am. Go to bed, Renner. You need to look pretty for the cameras tomorrow.'

His reply was fast and she was relieved she hadn't woken him. 'I am in bed. Hope to see you tomorrow.'

Kenzi laid her head down and slept restlessly until her alarm went off just over two hours later. She groaned quietly as she rolled over, there was still a dull ache in her knee and she probably shouldn't run on it. But she didn't want to stay in bed or be here when Ethan woke up, either. She put on her gym gear and took her backpack for work and a change of clothes to the car. A note on the kitchen bench simply said: 'Went to the gym and then work, early start today. I'll call if I'm going to be later than 6. K'

While showering at the gym she noticed her knee was slightly swollen and bruised. She had done leg exercises she probably shouldn't, and she winced a little as she rubbed dencorub around it. She put on her jeans and cons with a yellow shirt and swept her hair back into a ponytail. As she looked in to the mirror to do her makeup she remembered something from the night before and swore. The grittiness and stinging in her eyes wasn't from lack of sleep as she had thought, she was still wearing her contacts. She fished in her bag for her glasses and removed them, blinking into the mirror. Kenzi's eyes were red and raw and everything was a little blurry, even with her glasses back on. Work today was going to be hell.

She arrived at the set with the biggest coffee she could find and a toasted sandwich for breakfast and started by putting back all the tagged equipment from the day before, thankful she'd stayed and finished it all before leaving. Jed came and found her when he arrived. "Hey Kenzi, you- ouch. Hayfever?"

"Contacts. I forgot to take them out last night."

"You had a good time last night," he smirked.

"I did. I had to literally run home but it was totally worth it."

"Ethan wasn't mad?"

"Ethan might have had steam coming out of his ears. He came home and I wasn't there." Kenzi suppressed a grimace.

"Oh. Are you OK?"

"Yeah. I'm used to it." She shrugged.

"When you have a minute, the monitors over in the dressing rooms aren't working. Could you have a look?"

"Sure, I'll head over there now."

As she stood on top of a ladder checking one of the screens she heard footsteps behind her. They stopped and she turned, feeling someone watching her.

"Hi," she said over her shoulder to Jeremy.

"Hi yourself. What are you doing up there?"

"Well apparently these monitors aren't working. I think the power cable has just come loose on this end."

"Now I know how to get you over here if I want to. Hmm, this one?" He tugged gently on one of the cables with a devilish grin on his face.

"You really don't know your way around technology, do you? That's a network cable." She laughed. "And you only have to call me, no need to break things. Can you try it now? Turn on the switch on that power board, the only one that's off."

He did and the screens lit up. Jeremy applauded as she got down and folded up the ladder. "I had a really good time last night. Until, you know, Cinderella had to run away from the ball."

Kenzi giggled softly. "I did too. Until my coach turned into a pumpkin. It was totally worth it."

"Maybe we could do it again?"

"I don't know if I can. I don't think Ethan will let me out of his sight for a while."

He hesitated, wanting to say something but not sure what. "OK. What about lunch then? I know you don't have a lunch break usually, but I have the afternoon off today."

"As long as nothing major goes wrong." For the first time she was standing close enough for him to really look at her.

"You didn't get anywhere near enough sleep, did you?"

"No, oh my eyes? Contacts. I forgot to take them out."

"Oh. Ouch!"

"Yeah. It's going to be a long, blurry, day today! I'll let you know about lunch."

 

 


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter contains dub-con and rough sex

As promised, Jeremy met Kenzi at 2 pm and they walked to a nearby cafe for a late lunch. Kenzi yawned most of the way there and occasionally winced when pain shot through her knee. At one stage it gave way and she almost fell into him, and then she almost fell over laughing. "I am definitely not at my best today!"

"That's why you shouldn't run home from clubs barefoot," he said, shaking his finger at her.

"Oh this isn't from- I did it at the gym. This morning."

"Where do you get your energy? There was no way I was getting out of bed that early this morning. You had, what, three hours sleep?"

"A bit less than two. I haven't liked sleeping in in a long time," since Ethan moved in.

"So you and Ethan, have you been together long?"

"Yeah we actually met at Uni, before I came over here. He's originally from New York, he works in finance."

"And he goes out without you."

Kenzi blushed. "We go out together, too. Just not very often. What about you?" She changed the subject.

"I've been single for a year or so I guess. I was engaged but we were living on opposite sides of the country. I don't know what we were thinking, really. It was doomed from the start." He laughed softly.

Kenzi was playing with her coffee cup and noticed he was staring at her wrist. He reached for it and she pulled away. "Sorry, you just have a mark, smudged pen I think. I was curious."

"Where?" She held it up and he held his hand out for her to give it to him.

"Here," he pointed to a series of reddish purple round marks, there was a pattern to them and Kenzi pulled her hand back quickly. "Did I hurt you?" Jeremy asked.

"No, sorry, I think it's just pen, I'll get it off when I get back."

"It's not pen, is it?"

"Jeremy, it's pen. It's nothing."

He put his hands up. "OK, I'm dropping it. Change the subject."

"I like your costume," Kenzi said the first thing she could think of. "It's very... leathery."

"It's very hot is what it is," Kenzi laughed. "I mean it's inappropriate for summer. It is pretty cool though."

"Or, you know, hot?" She blushed. "Change the subject again, please!"

Her phone buzzed on the table. "Hello?" She was expecting a work call and hadn't looked at the screen.

"Where are you?"

"Ethan? I'm at work, why?"

"No you're not. Apparently you're out for lunch at three in the afternoon. I won't ask again. Where are you?"

"I'm in a cafe just outside the gates, and I'm having a late lunch. I was about to come back anyway so if you can wait-"

"Hurry. I don't have a lot of time. I'm in your trailer." He hung up.

Kenzi groaned. "I'm sorry to do this to you again. I have to go, he's waiting in my trailer."

"At least I get to walk you back this time," Jeremy smiled sympathetically and stood up. "Kenzi was he always like this?"

"No. He just likes to know where I am, that's all."

He knew better than to keep pushing. They were back at her trailer in a couple of minutes and Jeremy made it clear he wasn't intimidated.

"Uh, Jeremy Renner, this is Ethan White."

They shook hands, "nice to meet you," Jeremy said. "We both had to work through lunch so we just went for a quick bite. I'll catch you tomorrow, Kenzi."

"You will." She said.

Ethan took her already bruised wrist and dragged her roughly inside the trailer, closing the door with his foot. He pushed her up against the desk and kissed her roughly.

"Don't." She snapped. "This is my workplace and you will not push me around here."

"Sorry, I didn't realise you were at work. You look like a little girl up to no good. Perhaps if you dressed like a professional, not a teenage slut, you wouldn't have this problem with other men sniffing around."

"Stop it. Jeremy is a friend, that's all." Ethan snorted.

"Yeah Kenzi, of course he is."

"Did you want something or are you just here to check up on me?"

"Well I clearly can't trust you. But I was actually just here to say hi and show some interest. Obviously I should do so more often and make sure you're not fucking other men in the dressing room."

There was a loud knock in the door and Ethan glared at her. "Kenzi? I need a hand as soon as you have a minute."

"I'll be right there, Jed." She called. "Get off me, I have to work." She snarled at Ethan.

"You will be home by six. Or I'll come and get you myself."

"I'll be home when I'm finished." _What are you doing? You're going to pay for that later!_

She opened the door and turned bright red when she saw Jed standing there. He had clearly been listening but had his back turned so as not to arouse Ethan's suspicion. She walked purposefully off toward the main set, not looking back to make sure he was gone.

When she got there Jed was behind her. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I was just walking past. I don't actually need anything, and I don't have time right now, but we are going to talk about that. Got it?"

Kenzi nodded. "How much did you hear?"

"Most of it, I think. Enough. Kenzi, is he always like that? Has he always talked to you like that?"

"Only when I piss him off." She said softly. "I have some stuff to do if you don't need me,"

"I don't, no. Come in early tomorrow though?" Kenzi nodded.

"Get dressed, we're going out." Ethan snapped. Kenzi was so tired she thought she might cry. She had been looking forward to a night alone on the couch.

"Ethan, I'm really tired-"

"Good. You won't fight me then. If you hadn't gone out last night you wouldn't be. Get dressed. The short black one. And put your hair up so you can't see those stupid rainbow colours."

Kenzi got dressed in a black mini dress and black pumps, and put her hair in a low bun. She looked at herself in the full length mirror while she put on her jewellery. She was stunning, she knew it, she worked hard to get toned and those killer legs didn't just happen on their own. That was why Ethan insisted on the shortest dress she owned.

"Where are we going?" She asked, walking to the door.

"Just drinks with the boys and some of their girlfriends. Don't drink too much you're driving home."

"OK." She said meekly.

A few rounds in Ethan was getting obnoxious and affectionate. It was a dangerous combination, Kenzi soon realised she was there purely to look pretty and not open her mouth. Whenever someone asked her a question he answered for her. "I'll have another whiskey please, darling."

"Certainly," she said with a mock curtsey, heading for the bar. She suddenly saw Jeremy walking out of the VIP lounge and stopped, hoping he wouldn't see her. She was suddenly very conscious of how short and revealing her dress was. He looked up, straight in to her face. He smiled and started to walk over to her, and she put a hand up, signalling him to stop and pointing to Ethan. He gave her an exasperated smile but kept walking.

Just when Kenzi thought she couldn't stand any more, Ethan decided it was time to leave and they walked to the car. They were the only car left parked in an alleyway, and he pushed her roughly up against the wall next to the car. "God I love this dress," he said as he kissed her neck, lifted her legs around his waist and pushed her panties to one side. "Easy access."

"Ethan, please. You're going to hurt... please."

She heard him unzip his pants and braced herself for his assault. He pushed his lips against hers, covering her mouth as he slammed inside her, and she cried out in pain. She breathed as deeply as she could, closing her eyes and waiting for it to be over. He grunted as he released inside her a few minutes later and she heard footsteps on the other side of the road. She could only make out a silhouette but she thought he looked familiar. Oh god, no. Please don't be.

Ethan pulled out of her and zipped himself up while Kenzi pulled her dress back down and they got back into the car. She vaguely remembered a time when she would have found that exhilarating, having sex in public. She would have been a willing participant and even suggested it. Maybe that was where she went wrong, she wondered.

 

 


	5. Chapter Five

Kenzi slipped out of Ethan's grip at 5am as usual. Today instead of the gym she walked along the beach, her knee and joints aching with every step. She remembered when Ethan had been gentle and loving, when he had been unable to keep his hands off her and she liked it. She guessed she probably shouldn't have encouraged it so much and he wouldn't be so controlling now. He at least had been tolerable last night, actually cuddling in to her when they went to bed. Even if it was a little too forceful and suffocating, it was a nice change from the previous night. She had left him a note again, he would probably be furious when he knew she'd left early for a second time.

Her head was clearer today and so were her eyes, but she wasn't looking forward to her meeting with Jed this morning. She was on set at 6am to change and ran into Jeremy walking through the gate. "Hi," she said, keeping her eyes down.

"Hi. Have a good night?"

"Uh, yeah. You? Were you there with friends?"

"Yeah, not from here though. We had a good night, not too late though." She could feel his eyes on her and was now sure it had been him in the alley, her last hope was that he wasn't sure it was her.

"Kenzi, I can't stay silent forever. I'd like us to be friends, but I can't not say anything."

"Jeremy, please. Just... I don't know. If you can't, then I guess we can't. I don't want to talk about it."

Jed was waving her over and Jeremy followed. "My trailer, ten minutes." He said firmly. Kenzi nodded and continued to the dressing rooms with Jeremy.

"What's that about?"

"Work. Nothing to worry about. I need to get changed, excuse me," she turned in to the showers at the end of the hall and left Jeremy to go to his dressing room.

* * *

 

"Sit down," Jed snapped. Kenzi sat in the chair next to him and he turned to face her. "You can't put up with being treated like that, Kenzi. It's wrong. It's abuse. What can I do to get you out of there?"

"Nothing, Jed. With all due respect, as my boss, it's none of your business. He doesn't beat me up, he's just a bit overprotective. And I'm used to it, I can handle myself. He won't come here again, and he's not affecting my work."

"Christ Kenzi how can you think this is a normal relationship?"

"Like I said, he's jealous, and he has a tendency to overreact. He's looking out for me. And yes he's a bit controlling-"

"A bit? Kenzi, he called you a teenage slut. Because he didn't like your clothes, which by the way are definitely not slutty. The man has issues."

"And I push his buttons more often than I should. I'm fine, really."

"He doesn't hurt you, physically?"

"Not... no."

"That's not a handprint on your wrist?"

"Did Jeremy tell you that?"

"No. It's pretty obvious."

"It might be, I thought it was pen. It's fine, he didn't mean to leave a mark, he just squeezed a bit hard."

"And you grimaced when you sat down,"

"We are absolutely not going into that."

"Kenzi-"

"Fucking hard against a wall sometimes makes you a bit tender. Happy? This conversation is over." She stood up and walked out, hoping he wouldn't fire her for it.

A few minutes later Kenzi paced around her trailer. She wasn't stupid, she knew Ethan didn't always treat her like he should. But she had it mostly under control, most of the time. She knew where her line was, and if he crossed it she would leave.

A soft knock on the door interrupted her thoughts and she turned to see Jed. "Jed, I'm sorry. I had no right to speak to you like that just because you were concerned. You were trying to be a good friend and I was out of line."

"Yeah you were a bit. A regular boss wouldn't have gotten involved though. I just don't get the opportunity to talk to you outside work anymore. Kenzi, I'm really worried you're going to end up a statistic. You really need to get out while you're in one piece."

"It's not that bad, honestly."

"It's think he's got in your head. It is that bad. I won't mention it again, unless something else happens, but please be careful. Promise?"

"I promise," she hugged him.

"I'm here if you need to talk, ok?"

"OK. I could probably do with that, because I don't really have any friends left."

Jed shook his head sadly. "Any time, Kenzi. Day or night. OK?"

"Thanks Jed."

Kenzi kept to herself for the rest of the day. There wasn't a lot for her to do on set but she had a lot of planning to do for the location shoots, so she stayed in her trailer for the majority of the day. At 5 o'clock she started to yawn and decided it was time to go home. She wasn't surprised Ethan wasn't home, or that he hadn't told her what he was doing, but she was surprised when he walked in half an hour later while she was grilling chicken for dinner. "Hey," he said from the doorway. Kenzi looked up. He sounded like the Ethan who used to tell her he loved her 20 times a day, the one who liked to surprise her.

"Hi," she said warily. "Are you staying for dinner?"

"I am, I'm staying at home tonight. We can watch a movie or something if you want?"

"Oh. Yeah, ok." She yawned. "Sorry,"

"Still tired?"

"It's been a long week, Ethan."

"We can just go to bed if you want."

"Ethan," she hoped he was feeling as loving as he sounded. "I need a night off. I, uh, can barely sit down."

"That's OK, I meant go to bed and sleep. I'm kind of tired anyway."

They ate in silence. Kenzi wasn't used to having him home, especially not in a reasonably good mood. She began to realise how little they had in common, how little they had to talk about. "How's work?" She tried to break the silence.

"Good. Actually we have an opening for a system administrator in the IT department. I got the selection criteria for you, I thought you could apply."

"I could. I could do the job with my eyes closed, it would be a big demotion."

"But it would be a real job with prospects and opportunities for advancement."

"I like my job," she said softly.

"Of course you do. You play with gadgets and dress like a geek at comic con. What's not to like? But eventually you need to grow up."

"Do you think that's all I do? I dress like this because I need to run around and climb ladders and crawl under things." Kenzi sighed. "I don't want to fight, Ethan. Please just one night without fighting?"

"Sure," he finished his dinner and put the plate in the dishwasher, then went down the hall. When he came back he had changed and he put his phone and wallet in his pocket as he opened the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Out. With the grown ups. Do you want to come?"

"No, thanks."

 

 


	6. Chapter Six

It had been just over two weeks since Kenzi had seen Jeremy or gone anywhere but home and the set. She had put her head down at work and been on her best behaviour at home. Ethan had even been almost pleasant, had been taking her out occasionally and even stayed at home a few nights. On the morning she was leaving for the location shoot in Scotland he was already up and had made her a coffee while she showered and got ready to leave.

"You're up early," she said, sitting down at the table.

"I thought you might leave without a word if I wasn't."

"You know I don't like to wake you," Kenzi looked down at the table.

"You have a job interview next Friday. The position I mentioned, they liked your application. They'll be calling you today, and you will do whatever you need to do."

"I'm confused, I didn't apply."

"Yes, you did. Well according to them you did."

"You did this. It's a demotion and a big pay cut and I don't want the job. I wouldn't be happy there."

"We would be happy if you were there. I'd know where you were, we'd have the same friends. This could save us, Kenzi."

"Because you'd be watching me twenty four seven?"

"Yes. You will make the interview, and you will do your best, and you will get the job and give up this ridiculous game you've been playing at like a child playing pretend. Do you understand?"

"I have to go, Ethan. I'll be back in four weeks."

Ethan grabbed her arm as she passed. "Kenzi! Do you understand?!"

"Yes," she gulped. "I have to go."

"Have a great time, darling." He said, dripping with sarcasm.

* * *

 

Kenzi arrived at the airport and was directed to the business class lounge. "Did you upgrade?" Jed asked when she walked in.

"No, I assumed you did it."

"Nope."

"Hm." She shrugged. "Since we're here alone, can we talk?"

"Of course, what's on your mind?"

"Ethan," she sighed. "He's trying to get me a job with him. He put in an application, in my name. And I have an interview on Friday."

"You won't be there though,"

"I've never been scared of him, never really felt threatened. But the way he spoke this morning, it made my blood run cold."

"You have to get out. Now, Kenzi. Before he hurts you, not after."

"He's been almost pleasant, until this morning."

"Do you love him?"

"I... think so. I've seen glimpses of the old Ethan lately. The one who loved me, surprised me, supported me. Loved me the way I am."

"Is it enough, though?"

"He said a few weeks ago, he'd kill himself if I left him. What if he did, and I was responsible."

"Kenzi-" Jed could see she wasn't thinking rationally. He put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed, hoping that a few weeks of freedom might convince her.

* * *

 

"It's no coincidence I'm sitting next to you, is it?" Kenzi said to Jeremy on the plane.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he smirked. "I asked for the seat with the most beautiful view and this is what I got."

"Thank you, it was unnecessary but very kind. Has that line ever worked for you?"

"What line? I'm telling the truth!" He leaned in close to her ear. "I'll let you know. And you're very welcome."

"Why me?"

"Serious?" Kenzi nodded. "Well aside from being the most beautiful view, I find you intriguing. And smart. And I'd like to know more about you."

"There's not that much to know, really. You'll be bored before we take off!"

"Try me."

Halfway to Edinburgh they had heard all there was to know about one another. Jeremy grew more interested in Kenzi the more she talked, she certainly wasn't just your average computer nerd. She'd grown up in Melbourne and attended school and university there. She was raised by her single mother along with her younger brother, Tyson. She had a strained relationship with her father and hadn't spoken to him since moving to the US. She had previously worked on contract for Microsoft and Facebook and had also done some consulting work for the Department of Defence. She had an amazing passion for learning, and when she talked about doing something different, doing work on set that she'd never done before, her eyes lit up.

Kenzi discovered Jeremy was much more than just a beefy actor, he was also well read and had studied literature as well as theatre. He had also been raised primarily by his mother, his father was a Marine, and he had an older brother and younger sister.

"Am I allowed to ask about Ethan?" He asked warily.

"That depends. What do you want to know?"

"Does he have some magic hold over you that makes his behaviour ok?"

"I don't think so, but that's the best explanation I've heard so far. We were so happy in the beginning, so in love. When he brought me here, when I was first getting work over here, he was so interested and so proud of what I could do. He's just a big control freak really."

"He doesn't want you to do this job though?"

"No. He thinks I should be in an office in a suit, like him. He hates my hair, he likes me to be.., polished. Dressed up, hair and makeup perfect, the whole deal. He likes to show me off, but doesn't like me to talk too much. And other men even looking at me if he's not right by my side is like world war three."

"Which is why you waved me away at the club?"

"Yes, and I didn't get a chance to apologise. If he'd seen me with you twice, there would have been hell to pay. And he only ever takes it out on me. I'd already had enough."

"That night, in the alley..."

"You saw us, didn't you. I thought it was you."

"I'm really sorry. I mean I didn't see anything. But I felt for you being kind of, um..."

"Coerced? Yeah, I've learned to just go with it."

"Kenzi," he put his hand on hers and she blushed. "How can you let him get away with that? How can you put up with that? You're so full of life when you're alone and so different when he's around."

"Because I don't want to set him off. Honestly he's not always that bad, he isn't always like that. The last couple of weeks have been pretty ok."

"If he loved you, really loved you, he would never treat you like this. Are you scared of him?"

"Very rarely. I don't think he would actually harm me, the quicker I give in the less he... you know. Hurts."

She noticed his hands were balled into fists, and took his hand in both of hers. "Thank you, Jeremy. For caring, for listening. You don't need to worry."

* * *

 

Kenzi stirred, feeling the man beneath her move slowly as he breathed. Her head was just below his shoulder and she could just faintly make out his heartbeat. When she stirred his hand rubbed her shoulder, and for a moment she was completely disoriented. _Ethan. No, Ethan hasn't cuddled me like this since the beginning. Where the hell am I and who am I lying on?_ She opened her eyes and lifted her head just slightly. Jeremy had his head back and eyes closed, and she remembered snuggling into him now. He had insisted. He felt warm, and strong, and the way his fingers ran over her shoulder gave her goosebumps. Her first impression of him had been that he was a flirt, and trying to get her in to bed. She didn't think that any more, he actually cared about her. She sighed heavily. If only he had come along first, how different things might be. She closed her eyes and drifted back off into a peaceful sleep.

 

 


	7. Chapter Seven

"Hey," Jeremy said when Kenzi opened her hotel door. "We're going downstairs for a drink, want to come?"

She hesitated. After setting up for a few hours while her mind raced, she had begun to realise what a bad idea this was. She needed to keep him at arm's length so no one got hurt. "Maybe next time? I'm kind of tired and it's going to be a big day tomorrow."

He reached out and brushed a curl off her face, tucking it behind her ear. "What's going on, in here?" He put his finger lightly against her temple.

She opened the door and gestured for him to come in. Might as well get it over with.

"Jeremy, you're a very kind, sweet man. You're not bad on the eye either. And I wish things were different, I really do. But you need to stay away, from me. I can't be with you, and I can't be more than your friend. I know I've led you on a little bit and I'm sorry."

"You haven't led me on at all, I know exactly what I'm getting into here, Kenzi."

"Then you know nothing can happen. God if Ethan found out..."

"What? He'd leave you? That would probably be the best thing he'd ever done for you."

"Worse," she said softly.

"You are scared of him, I knew it. You shouldn't have to be. You don't have to be."

"Jeremy, please. Please. Just let it go."

"No," he stepped toward her, so they were almost touching. Kenzi didn't step back, and he lifted her chin so he could see her eyes. He stroked her cheek lightly. "I want to show you how a real man treats a woman," he leaned in slowly, closing his eyes, his lips softly meeting hers.

Kenzi put her hands on his chest and pressed gently, turning her face away from his. "Jeremy," she breathed. "I can't."

He walked to the door and opened it, struggling to keep his voice light. "The offer is still open if you feel like a drink. You know where to find us." He closed the door behind him.

 _You're doing the right thing_. Her phone buzzed and interrupted her thoughts, there was an email from Ethan's HR manager asking her to contact them to arrange her interview. And then there was another knock on the door. "Jed! Come in,"

"You were obviously expecting someone else."

"Doesn't matter. What the hell am I going to tell this woman about the job interview?"

"The truth, Kenzi. Tell her the truth." He sat down in the bed. "Call her now, I'll stay."

"I- ok." She dialled the direct number and waited.

"Heather? Hi, this is Kenzi Sullivan. You asked me to call you about a job interview?"

"I did, we were very impressed with your application, Kenzi. We'd like to interview you on Friday."

"Unfortunately that won't work for me, I'm in Scotland at the moment and won't be back until next month." She hesitated and Jed squeezed her hand. "But to save you some time, I'm actually not interested in the position. I'm on a project now which I'm really enjoying, and I'm really only interested in contract work."

"Oh! Then why put so much effort into an application?"

"Uh, I didn't. My partner, Ethan White? He thought I would be interested so he did it without telling me. As a favour, I guess."

"Oh, I know Ethan. That's interesting, I'll let the director know."

"Actually, Heather. Is there any way we can keep this between us? He was trying to help I guess, I don't want him in any trouble. Could you possibly just say you had a more suitable candidate?"

"You are ridiculously overqualified. Yes, I can probably do that. Sweet of him to want to have you work with him, huh?"

"Yep, he's a sweetie. Thank you for your discretion."

"You're welcome. Bye now."

Kenzi hung up. Her hands were shaking and her head was spinning. She looked down at Jed and he was smiling back at her. "Now I definitely need a drink," she said.

* * *

 

"I owe you an apology," Kenzi said as she sat down next to Jeremy. "I shouldn't have... well I shouldn't have put us in that position and led you on. I'm sorry."

"Tell me you feel nothing, and I'll leave you alone," he whispered.

"That's not fair. You know I do. And you know I can't."

"I can wait," he said, meeting her gaze and grinning. "Why are you shaking?"

"Haha. I just had a conversation with a HR manager about a job I don't want." she smiled. "And it seems they've found another more suitable candidate."

"Cheers, then," he raised his glass.

* * *

 

The first week in Scotland went by in a blur of all day shoots that went well into the night, and equipment that was a little harder to replace in Edinburgh than in Los Angeles. Finally they had an evening off and Jed invited them all out for dinner. When they moved to the bar afterward Jeremy found the empty chair next to Kenzi. "How are you?" he asked.

"Great, this has been so much fun. You?"

"Worn out, but the good kind of worn out."

"I got to watch you filming yesterday. You're really good."

"Thanks. It's the costume." he smiled. He noticed she looked different, but he couldn't put his finger on how. Jed came over to discuss something with her and Jeremy excused himself for a few minutes. When he returned he found Kenzi standing at the bar.

"Before you order a drink, I want to show you something," he said in her ear.

"What?"

"It's a surprise. You have to come to my room though."

"Jeremy-"

"It's nothing like that. I'll behave, I promise."

He took her to the lift and then took her hand when the doors opened, leading her to his room. When he opened the door there were candles set out on the table, the lights were dimmed and there was an ice bucket with champagne, two glasses and a single red rose.

"I thought you were going to behave?"

"I am. I expect nothing. Just a drink, and I want to show you the view."

She hesitated at the door but allowed him to lead her inside and pour her a drink. "Thank you," she said.

He took her to the huge window at the end of the room and stood behind her, not quite touching her. "I want to show you what I would do. If there was even a possibility that you might be mine. And when I'm done, even if I don't get you, I'll still win if I can make you see that the way he treats you is abhorrent."

For a long time Kenzi said nothing, staring out the window and sipping her champagne slowly. Her head was swimming, she could smell Jeremy's cologne and feel his body behind hers even though they weren't touching. The sound of his even breathing behind her was comforting and she could imagine his muscled chest rising and falling with it. Kenzi leaned back ever so slightly and she was resting against him, feeling his warmth on her back. He brought his arms up and to her waist, but hesitated. She took hold of them and wrapped them around her, leaning her head back on his shoulder and hearing him sigh in to her neck.

She put down her glass and turned around in his arms, putting her hands on his waist. Her mind raced as she looked in to his eyes and brought her face up to meet his, their lips meeting tentatively.

 

 


	8. Chapter Eight

Jeremy's lips were softer than Kenzi had expected, and he was incredibly gentle, letting his lips graze hers carefully but deliberately. Time seemed to stop as he pressed just a little harder, sucking gently on her bottom lip. Kenzi brought a hand up to his neck, pulling him closer, and she let her tongue lightly taste his lips. He parted his mouth slightly, allowing her tongue to mix with his, letting her take the lead. He kept his hands steady on her back until she brought one hand up to rest gently on his chest, the other still on his neck. Combing his fingers through her hair he let his hand rest on her neck just under her ear and kissed her more deeply, never wanting it to end. The scent and taste and feel of her in his arms was intoxicating, and he could feel her breathe deeply as he stroked her neck. He slowed and withdrew his tongue, letting his mouth linger on hers for a few moments before resting his forehead on hers.

Kenzi was speechless and felt like she might melt into a puddle. She hadn't been kissed like that before. Ever. Before she could form words she heard her phone ring from the table and Jeremy released her without argument.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi. I hear you didn't get the job."

"No, they told me a little while ago."

"I'm surprised they could find someone more suitable than you. I think you had something to do with that."

"Ethan, they just found a better candidate. That's all. They must have been good, they didn't even interview me."

"Hm. It's very quiet, where are you?"

"In my room," she lied. "I was about to go to bed, it's been a big week."

"I'm glad. Partying will only get you in trouble. I'll speak to you tomorrow."

He hung up and Kenzi looked down at the floor. "Sorry," she said to Jeremy, sitting down on the couch.

"Don't be. I got a chance to catch my breath," he chuckled, sitting down next to her.

"Jeremy," she said quietly. "I've never... I've never been.. that was..."

He caught her eyes and looked sincerely at her. "Never?" he said incredulously. Kenzi shook her head. "Guess you have some catching up to do, then." He put a hand behind her neck and brought her mouth to his, starting slowly but more eager this time. When he finally pulled away Kenzi was breathless and could feel her lips were swollen and tender. She looked down and blushed, and he stroked her hand.

"I want to... you know. But,"

"Slowly, I know. It's OK. Like I said, even if you don't end up with me I'll be happy if I prove my point. I have all the time in the world."

"I wish I did," she said softly.

"Can I ask you something?" Kenzi nodded. "Do you honestly want to leave him?"

"I... I don't think I do. I know you all think I must be miserable the way he treats me, but... Maybe I'm so used to it, it's familiar. I know what to expect, it's safe and comfortable. I don't expect you to understand-"

"Good. Because I don't. How can you allow him to control you like that? You don't have friends, you don't go out without him and when you do he tells you what to wear and you can't speak, and then he forces you to... you know. That's not normal, Kenzi."

"But can you understand it's all I've ever known? I was only 18 when we met."

"So you're just going to carry on like this, get married and have children who think this is normal?" he raised his voice just slightly and she pulled back.

"I don't know! Like I said, it's familiar. I don't have anything else." she paused. "Did you think you could kiss me twice and have it all suddenly become clear, and I'd break it off with him and fall into your arms? It's not that simple!"

Jeremy let out an exasperated sigh. "You're right. When you turned down the job I saw hope. Hope that you might see it, that I might have a chance."

"I'm sorry, Jeremy. Really." She stood up. "Thank you, for all of this. I have to go."

"Kenzi," he stood up and put his hands on her shoulders, kissing her lips softly.

"Maybe we can see what happens when we go back. I can't just call him and say I'm leaving, it will take some time to plan. If that's what I decide to do. The thought of being on my own is more terrifying than staying with him."

"You're not on your own, though." he took her hand. "I'll be there, however you need me to be."

He opened the door and Kenzi went back down the hall to her room.

She stood inside the door and leaned against it, putting a finger to her lips. She had never been unfaithful to anyone before, although she had really only ever been with Ethan. The guilt in the pit of her stomach was outweighed by the excitement and warmth she had felt from Jeremy. The rose, the candles, the champagne, and that kiss. She blushed all over again.

After a quick shower she put on her pajamas and slipped in to bed. She had got used to sleeping alone now, relishing the idea of not having to pretend to be asleep or being roughly accosted by Ethan. Picking up her phone she saw a message from Jeremy: 'Sweet dreams gorgeous xx' and smiled. 'They will be xx' she replied before she rolled over and closed her eyes, drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

 

 


	9. Chapter Nine

The next few days were busy and Kenzi was suddenly swamped with repairs, between twenty or so phone calls from Ethan every day. He wasn't used to her pushing back, and she had more confidence when she knew he was in another country. She wondered if he knew something was up or was just trying to get his control back.

One rainy morning when they'd been forced to halt filming and go back to the hotel, she was on one such call.

"I miss you, Kenzi."

"Do you? I'll be home in a couple of weeks."

"You know I do. I need you, it's torture not having you here. If you ever left me... I'd rather die than think about it. I would die, I couldn't go on without you. Don't you miss me?"

"I miss the old Ethan who didn't forge job applications and call me a slut. Does that count?"

"Why do you insist on making me so fucking furious? I said you dressed like a teenage slut. You lack the physical stamina to be an actual slut."

"Ask me again why I don't miss you when you make comments like that," Kenzi said softly.

"You just make me so angry!"

"Think about something for me, Ethan. Are you happy? With me, with our relationship? Really?"

"Of course I am,"

"Except when I make you furious,"

"I don't know what, or who, has got in to you while you're away. But we'll get it out of your system when you get back. That's a promise."

"As opposed to a threat?"

"Have I ever hurt you, Kenzi?"

"I feel like that's a trick question. You know you have."

"Not deliberately,"

"Oh of course not. Calling me names and forcing yourself on me when I've asked you not to. Purely accidental."

He sighed loudly and she knew he was about to explode. "I have to go Ethan."

"Don't you dare hang up, we are not finished!"

"Yes, Ethan, we are."

She pushed the button and sat back on the couch. That had felt good. Her heart pounded with adrenaline and her hands shook. Taking her phone and door key, she went down the hall, hoping Jed might be in his room.

She knocked a few times, but guessed he must have been somewhere else. She took her phone out to call him and stopped when it rang and Jeremy's face appeared on the screen. "Hey you," she said. An idea popped in to her head and she stopped at a door halfway between Jed's and her own, knocking lightly.

"Argh, hold on. Someone's at the door. I'll get rid of them and call you back." Kenzi hung up and stifled a laugh as he opened the door.

"Bad time?" she asked. "I can go, if you like. Were you on the phone?"

"Oooh funny. Come in."

She sat down and he offered her a coffee, handing her a mug and sitting next to her.

"Wait, have you already had a few of those? You're shaking."

"No, this is only my second. I'm shaking because I was talking to Ethan."

"He threatened you again didn't- why are you smiling like that?"

"I hung up on him. I told him we were finished and I hung up. I'm sure I'll pay for it later, but it feels fucking good right now!"

He put down his coffee and took hers from her, leaning in and kissing her slowly. With his hand on her neck he probed with his tongue, sucking on her lip and letting her tongue explore his. When he pulled back she looked in to his bright green-blue eyes, a smile spreading across her face. "See I knew I'd pay for it later," she grinned.

"Does this mean you've decided it's over?"

"I'm at about 75%. The rest of the time I still think it's my comfort zone and I should just go back. I need to stop speaking to him like that though if I want to get everything out in one piece."

"Why don't I arrange someone to get your stuff while he's at work?"

"I don't think that's fair. I'll do it when I get home. But some help might be a good idea, if I can get everything out while he's at work that would be best."

Jeremy took her hands in hers, she was shaking almost uncontrollably. "You ok?"

"Yeah, it's just. Saying it out loud. Feels weird, and terrifying, and exciting. And terrifying. Mostly terrifying."

"Be excited, Kenzi. And proud, you're stronger and braver than you think."

"It did feel good."

"I'm surprised he hasn't called non-stop since."

"He has. My phone is on silent."

He smiled and kissed her again, pushing her back on the couch so he was almost on top of her. She looked up at him, her blue eyes sparkling, and he was torn. He had promised not to rush her, but she was just so beautiful, and she kept pulling him in. Tentatively he ran a hand down her side, lifting her shirt ever so slightly to expose a strip of skin. She shuddered under him and he felt the goosebumps on her skin, and she kissed him hungrily. Encouraged, he put his hand lightly under her shirt, running his fingertips over the bare skin of her side, stomach and back and feeling her squirm a little under him. He pulled away and looked at her, noticing her not meeting his gaze.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked softly.

"No, it's just... new." she said.

"Kenzi, look at me. I won't do anything you don't want. One word, one hand, and I'll stop. You know I will. And I won't be mad, I won't be offended. OK?"

Kenzi nodded, almost losing herself in his bright eyes. "Do you want me to stop?" he asked again.

"No," she said, much more firmly. She reached both hands up behind his neck and pulled him down to her, kissing him eagerly. He had to stop from moaning in to her mouth when she slipped a hand under his shirt and ran her fingers down his lower back.

 

 


	10. Chapter Ten

After a while, Jeremy pulled away and looked down at Kenzi. "Can we uh, move, to the bed?" he said tentatively.

"Yes please," she said, her cheeks flushing. He stood up and before she could move he lifted her off the couch and carried her the few steps to the bed, laying her gently in the middle and taking off her shoes. Crawling up the bed, his eyes locked on hers, he lifted her shirt over her head, showing a red lace bra underneath. He removed his own shirt and lay down on his side next to her, pulling her toward him, exploring her bare skin with his soft hands. She was so sensitive, squirming and writhing and shivering under his touch, and he took his time, kissing down her neck and shoulders, trailing his lips between her breasts. A tiny moan escaped her and she arched her back, he reached around and unclasped her bra, removing it slowly and gently from her shoulders and discarding it with her shirt. Kenzi felt exposed, it had been a long time since anyone had really paid any attention to her naked body, and her instinct was to wrap her arms around herself.

"Are you cold?" Jeremy asked.

"No."

"Hiding?"

"A little," she smiled shyly.

"Baby you don't need to hide anything. You have an amazing body."

"I know. But having someone, you know, this... close."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"God no," she said, pulling his mouth back to hers. He pulled the covers up over them.

"Better?" Kenzi nodded and he trailed kisses down her chest to her breast, kissing around her breast in a spiral, sucking her nipple gently between his teeth. She arched her back and gasped, putting a hand on his chest and feeling over his muscles down to his abdomen, the other tangling in his short brown hair.

Jeremy took his time, kissing and teasing from her mouth to her navel with his lips, his teeth, his tongue and his hands. She responded to his every touch, writhing and moaning as though she had never been touched like this before.

Kenzi hadn't ever been touched like this before. Never. And she had never wanted anyone like she wanted Jeremy right now. Every touch was like electricity jolting through her, giving her shivers and goosebumps, and she could feel her entrance was wet and ready for him. She stroked down his chest, rolling his nipple under her thumb, and unzipped his jeans, tugging them down and off and freeing his erection. She almost gasped and began to stroke him gently. Slowly, teasingly, the opposite of what she would normally do. He kissed her mouth hard and groaned in to her mouth, removing her jeans and making her feel exposed all over again. He ran his hands over her toned thighs and under her butt, pulling her toward him while she stroked his erection and he sucked her nipple. He watched her face while he ran a hand gently between her legs, so light he almost wasn't touching her. He pushed them apart slightly and probed further with two fingers, trailing over her softness and making her gasp loudly. His thumb found her clit, circling it slowly while he slid two fingers inside her. She arched her hips up toward him and stroked him a little harder, kissing his neck.

After only a few minutes, stroking hard on her g spot, she felt tension building inside her. Good tension. She moved her hips against his hand and he increased his pace and pressure, and Kenzi felt like she might explode. Jeremy could feel her breathing heavily against his neck, and he brought his mouth to hers, kissing her hungrily as he pressed on her clit, pushing her over the edge. Waves of ecstasy washed over her, and he continued sliding his fingers gently in and out of her until she caught her breath, pulling his face back from hers to look at her beautiful sparkling eyes and flushed cheeks.

She grabbed his waist and pulled him on top of her, wanting to feel his shaft inside her. He teased her slowly at first with the tip, only sliding his whole length inside when she tugged on his hips. Feeling him deep inside her she moaned loudly, and he paused for a moment to look in to her eyes.

"Do I need to-" Kenzi shook her head and he didn't wait for an explanation, thrusting in to her while biting gently on her nipple. She reached up and stroked his chest and neck with her fingertips, dragging her nails lightly over his smooth skin. He slowed his pace until he could feel her beginning to tighten around him, wanting to savour every moment he had with her. When she arched up to him and began to moan he thrust more quickly and deeply, hitting her spot with every stroke and making her convulse around him. Feeling her soft walls clench around him sent him over the edge, exploding inside her and collapsing down on top of her, taking his weight on his elbows.

He rolled off after a moment and pulled her into him, laying her head on his chest. A minute later she turned away from him, putting her back to him.

"Kenzi? Are you ok?"

"Yeah," she said softly. He heard her sniff and propped himself on one elbow so he could see her face, pulling her waist back into him.

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

She laughed softly. "No, you didn't. Quite the opposite actually."

"Come back to me," he said gently, and she rolled back into his arms, burying her face in his chest. "No one's ever done that to you before."

"No," she sniffed and he could feel her tears on his chest. He held her tight to him, feeling her tiny warm body in his arms.

"I'm sorry, Kenzi. You deserve better. So much better."

"Don't apologise, Jeremy. That was... incredible. I had no idea." she laughed.

"Oh, baby, I have so much to show you." he kissed the top of her head, stroking down her spine with his fingertips.

 

 


	11. Chapter Eleven

Jeremy's phone rang from his jeans pocket and he groaned at the interruption. "Hello, Jed,"

"Hey. Have you seen Kenzi? She's not in her room and she's not answering her phone."

"Oh, uh... she's here. We were just having coffee," he stifled a giggle. "Her phone is on silent because she had a talk with Ethan and I think she forgot other people might try calling her. Would you like to speak to her?"

"No it's not important, as long as she's ok?"

"Yeah she's good." Kenzi covered her face with a pillow.

"We're going back in a couple of hours if it clears up, I'll call you. Tell Kenzi to turn her phone back on."

"I will. Bye."

He hung up and took the pillow off Kenzi's face, laughing. "Jed says turn your phone on, he's been looking for you."

"Oops." she giggled. "Could you get it for me? I'm not sure I want to look."

Jeremy pulled his jeans back on and went to the table, picking up Kenzi's phone. "oooooh." he said.

"How many?"

"43 calls, 20 text messages. And you're almost out of battery." he tossed it to her, she was sitting up with the covers pulled up to her chest and she flopped forward, putting her head on her knees.

"Fuck. This isn't going to be pretty. At least from 43 calls he only left 15 voicemails. That's something," she shrugged.

"Look at you, looking on the bright side."

"I'm in a strangely good mood." she said flicking through text messages.

She started to read the texts. To begin with they were furious and threatening because she had hung up on him and wouldn't return or answer his calls. The last five were begging her to come home, he would change, he would treat her better, he couldn't live without her. She felt a dull stab of guilt in her stomach. She could have, should have waited until she left before she slept with Jeremy. She had no intention of hurting Ethan, or getting back at him. The horrible knot began to build inside, what they had done was a mistake. She had never been unfaithful before and it wasn't a pleasant feeling.

"Kenzi? What's wrong?" Jeremy snapped her back out of her thoughts and she realised a tear had escaped on to her cheek. She hugged her knees to her chest as guilt washed over her.

"I cheated. Me. For all his controlling and jealousy, maybe he was right. It ends with me cheating on him."

"Shit. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Ever. You've opened my eyes and made me see what's possible. I could have stopped you and I didn't."

"Maybe, if you want, I can keep my distance for a while. I don't want to, but I don't want you carrying this around."

"Maybe. But I don't want you to."

"Well I don't want to either, but there will be plenty of time when you're ready. This is not just a Scotland fling for me, Kenzi."

She giggled and he frowned. "What?"

"You will always be my highland fling."

* * *

 

Kenzi opened her door the following morning, expecting Jeremy and instead finding a bunch of red roses. _Please be from Jeremy_ , she thought. The card simply said 'Looking forward to giving you more firsts xx J'. She sent him a text to thank him, not sure if he would be awake yet. The next second there was another knock on the door, this time it was Jeremy and she grabbed his collar and pulled him inside, closing the door. She pushed him back against the door and kissed his mouth, hard, leaving both of them breathless when she pulled away.

"So you like them, then?" he laughed.

"They're beautiful. Thank you."

"You're beautiful. And you're very welcome. I have to go get ready, just thought I'd run down and say good morning first."

"I'll see you on the set at some point, I'm sure."

"I hope so."

Kenzi leaned back on the door after he closed it and sighed when she heard the phone ring. She had told Ethan not to call her again yesterday, she would talk to him when they had both calmed down. She was surprised he had kept his word and waited until now.

"Hi," she said flatly.

"Hi Kenzi. It's good to hear your voice,"

 _Is it?_ She thought. "You too. Have you thought about what I said?"

"Yes. I've been a complete arse Kenzi. The way I've treated you, it comes from love. I can't stand the thought of someone else looking at you, touching you, having you. But that doesn't excuse my behaviour, and I'm sorry. I love you and I want to fix it. I made an appointment with a counsellor today, I see him early next week."

Kenzi's stomach dropped. She didn't want him to change, she didn't think he could. But how could she leave if he was willing to try?

"Kenzi?"

"Hm?"

"Do you think one day you could love me again?"

"I think we should talk about this when I get home. It's only another week."

"Please, Kenz. I need to hear you say it. There's no point in me seeing a quack if you don't love me anymore."

Tears stung her eyes. She felt trapped, he needed help regardless. She tried to choose her words carefully. "You were my first love, and you always will be. I don't know if I can fall in love with you again, but I think whatever happens with us you should give it a go. You used to be so sweet and loving, and I don't know what happened. But you can't treat other women like you treated me."

He sighed. "I'm not giving up on us."

"Don't give up on you, Ethan."

"I'm nothing without you."

 _God do we have to do this again? I say 'yes you are' you say 'no I'm not' and it ends with yet another threat that you'll blow your brains out if I leave you._ _Jeremy and Jed were right, I'm scared. It's all about fear that he will actually do it. That's what's keeping me here. The last thread._

"You can be, Ethan. You were before and you will be again." She stood up, took a deep breath and pushed her shoulders back, putting on her firmest voice. "Go see the counsellor and we will talk about it when I get back. I have to go now and get ready." She paused, adrenaline surging through her. Just say it, you've always known you have to call his bluff. "And the next time you start the Ethan pity party with statements like 'I can't live without you' or threatening to do something stupid I will hang up. Threatening to kill yourself will not make me stay." She hung up, hands shaking again.

 

 


	12. Chapter Twelve

Jed was on set early the next day. The sun was shining again and he was trying to make up the time they lost the day before. Kenzi wheeled some cases over to set him up to review footage. "Morning, Kenzi. You're early this morning."

"Just getting things set up before everyone arrives. Will you be busy this evening?"

"Uh, I have a dinner with one of the producers, but I should have an hour or so between. What's up?"

"Nothing urgent. Just wanted to talk. Personal, not work."

"Why don't you do that and then we'll go get coffee. I'll have at least an hour before I'm needed. No one is even in makeup yet."

As they walked to the coffee van Jed looked at Kenzi expectantly.

"I stood up to Ethan, again. Twice in two days. Hung up on him even."

"Good! I'm proud of you!"

"Yeah. I feel guilty though. He says he wants to change, he's going to see a counsellor. I'd made up my mind to leave, and now... I don't know what to do. He says if I don't stay he won't get help. And I'm sort of a bit invested, with another man. How did I manage to make a worse mess than I was already in?"

"Wait, another man?"

"Can we focus, please?"

"Sorry. Well it's still a matter of whether you love him or not. He's not your responsibility, and anything he does or doesn't do is his choice, it's not on you. Get comfortable with that before you do anything."

"I think I will always love him, he was my first love. Am I in love with him? No."

"Then you need to leave. Do you have somewhere to go?"

"No. I hadn't thought about it. I can get somewhere though."

"Stay with me, my place is huge and I'm hardly there. You can have a whole end of the house to yourself. And get a storage shed for the rest of your stuff until you find your own place."

"Jed, I couldn't. Thank you, but I -"

"I insist. Work out a day when he will be out, and we'll move your stuff out. Before you tell him."

She thought for a few moments. "OK."

"Good, sorted. So the other man? It's Jeremy isn't it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Damn woman I can't take you anywhere! I'm glad though, he'll look after you. I've known him a long time."

Kenzi's phone rang. "Speak of the devil. Hi Ethan,"

"Hi," Jed coughed. "Who's that? I heard someone in the background. Who are you with?"

"Calm down. It's Jed. I'm at work, he's my boss."

"Oh. Have you been thinking about me? About us?"

"I have. A lot, actually."

"And?"

"And I think we need to talk about it when I get home. But I still think you should get help either way. You'll be happier if you do, and that's what I want."

"I could never be happy without you, Kenzi. If you weren't mine, I'd-"

"Stop. Remember what I said last time. What you're doing is trapping me, blackmailing me in to staying so you don't do anything harmful. I'm not buying in to it anymore, Ethan. I will hang up."

"I'm not blackmailing you, it's the truth. But I'll stop talking about it if it makes you feel better. I want to make you happy."

"I have to go, I have things to do."

"Can I call you tonight?"

"If you want."

She stuffed the phone back in her pocket.

"You're much braver than you were a few weeks ago," Jed said. "I like it."

"Braver or stupider. I'm not sure which." Kenzi sighed.

"Are you going to get out as soon as we get back?"

"Yes, if we can arrange it. We have a couple of days off, don't we?"

"Yep, we'll come over and move you out the day after we get back. I'm hanging around while you tell him just in case."

"Bringing the braun, huh?"

"That's me," he smiled.

* * *

 

As promised, Jeremy kept his distance for the rest of their time in Scotland. He found it incredibly difficult, he missed just sitting with her and talking about anything and everything. They had discovered they liked the same music and movies and he couldn't wait to get her home and share those things with her. He sat with her whenever he could at dinner, brought her lunch after he'd had his, coffee in the morning. But keeping his hands and lips to himself was more and more difficult.

All too soon it was over and they were packed up and on a plane back to LA, arriving late in the evening. Kenzi was surprised Ethan was there to pick her up, and before she got into the car she got a text from Jeremy and smiled. 'I understand. See you tomorrow xx J'. She sent back a very quick 'can't wait xx' and then deleted the conversation before getting into the car. Everything was arranged for the following day, Jed, Jeremy and a couple of crew members were coming to help move her out as soon as Ethan was at work. Kenzi was a mess of mixed up emotions. Excited, terrified, sad, she couldn't hold on to any of them, they just spun around in her head.

As Kenzi would have expected, the drive home was quiet, almost silent. The combination of a day's travelling a constant emotional turmoil made her want to go straight to bed, but knowing what that would inevitably entail made her feel a bit ill. She wondered if she could just outlast him and stay awake until he was asleep. When they got home her carried her things inside and they sat down on the couch.

"How did it go with the counsellor?" She had been dying to ask but had been waiting for him to say something. She couldn't wait any longer.

"I had to reschedule, I had to work late that day. I'll call them tomorrow." He said shortly.

"So you haven't actually rescheduled?"

"No, I haven't had a chance."

That made up Kenzi's mind, it should have been five days ago. It clearly wasn't a priority, and her guilt lessened. His phone buzzed and she saw him reply to a message.

"I'm going out tonight, but I was thinking we could spend tomorrow together. I'll take a sick day." Kenzi felt panic rising in her stomach.

"No, you can't. I mean, we can't. I have to work."

"Take a day off."

"I can't. We have setup to do, it's not something I can just do the next day. And there's no one else to do it."

"Take a day off, Kenzi." He said sternly, emphasising every word and growling her name.

"Ethan, I can't. Not tomorrow."

"What would happen if you were sick? Or seriously injured?" She didn't like the suggestion in his tone.

"Is that... are you threatening me? Are you going to make me take a day off?"

"I wouldn't dream of it. I just wondered what it would take for you to not go."

"I'm going, Ethan. I'm not scared of you."

"Perhaps you should be."

Kenzi opened her mouth but her will to survive overrode her will to tell him what she really thought and she closed it again. He stood up, took his keys and phone and walked out the door. "No need to wait up, darling. I'll wake you when I come in." He smiled a sickly sweet smile as he closed the door behind him.

 _Think, Kenzi. Get it together and think._ Her body shook and tears stung her eyes, she took out her phone and froze, not knowing who to call. She decided on Jed.

"Jed I need help. Now. We need to go now. Can you come now? Not tomorrow. Now. Tonight."

"Kenzi, slow down. I'm walking to the car, are you OK? Do you need police?"

"No. Just come now, please. He's gone out."

"OK. Deep breaths, I'll be there soon. You call Jeremy and I'll get the others, ok?"

She hung up and dialled Jeremy.

"I need you to come over now. I'm leaving tonight. Now."

"OK, did something happen? Are you ok?"

"I'll explain later. I need to pack. Jed and the others are on their way."

She hung up and looked around, taking a mental inventory of what she needed to take. _Fuck, where do I start?!_

 

 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Jed arrived first, and Kenzi was thankful he had thought to bring some large tubs and boxes. She had already put all of her clothes into a huge suitcase and two smaller ones, everything from the bathroom in to her toiletries bag and her jewellery was packed safely in a small box. She looked around the bedroom and quickly grabbed the decorative items that held significance for her, heading for the living room to check for books and anything else she needed to take.

When Jeremy arrived she was standing in the doorway of the office, her hands on her face, trying to work out how best to get the important stuff first. It was a mess of cables and computers with open cases. Jeremy squeezed her hand. "Is anything going to be damaged if I pull the cables out?" He asked gently.

"Nothing that isn't fixable. Everything else is done so I think maybe we just need all four of us, unplug and get the big stuff out and then the cables. I'll worry about sorting it when I get to Jed's. This will have to go into storage anyway."

"Wait. You're going to- focus. We can talk later."

Kenzi went in and started with the towers closest to the door, unplugging all the cables from the back and sighing as she noticed the room got more quiet as she went, the way she was pulling the power. "How long do you think we have, Kenzi?" Jed asked.

"He's never ever home before midnight. But I want to get out as quick as I can just in case. The way he was acting, it was like he knew something was going on."

Half an hour later they had almost everything Kenzi owned in the back of the four cars between them. Before they left, she and Jeremy walked around the apartment to check she hadn't left anything important behind other than furniture. "You ok?" He asked, putting an arm around her shoulders.

Kenzi nodded, unable to form words. Every inch of her was shaking, she felt nauseous and scared, and sad. Tears formed in her eyes and she brushed them away quickly, there would be time for that later. "Come on, let's get you out of here. It's almost midnight."

"We'll meet at mine," Jed said when they were all downstairs. He gave Kenzi a look, knowing she had things to talk about she didn't want to dump on Jeremy just yet. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" He asked when they were driving away.

"He didn't see the counsellor. But he wanted to take tomorrow off and spend the day together. When I said no, he... he asked how badly injured I'd have to be to call in sick. He was threatening me."

"Shit, Kenzi, I'm so sorry."

"There was a little part of me that thought he might change. Not now, but one day, with some counselling, maybe we would be happy again. I'd get the old Ethan back. My Ethan. He's never going to change, Jed. My Ethan is gone and it's over." She sobbed in to her hands. "I don't even know why I'm crying when he treated me so badly. It's stupid."

"No honey, you're mourning what you had, what you thought you could have again. This is normal, and you're going to need time to move on from it. It's no different to a regular relationship ending. People will expect you to be ecstatic to be away from him and safe, be prepared for that. But you're strong, and you did it, and you will be OK."

She looked over at him. "When did you get so knowledgeable?"

"I directed a film about it. Amazing the things I know from movies." She laughed softly.

"I can never thank you enough. I don't think I'd have been in one piece tomorrow."

"You don't need to thank me. At least you have two days to rest now and get your stuff sorted."

Kenzi wiped her face as they arrived back at Jed's house. They unloaded everything into the garage while she made a call to the police.

"Do you want to make a report, ma'am?"

"No, I don't. Not for now. I just want it noted that he threatened me, in case he finds me. Or in case he damages the apartment, the lease is in both our names and I can't do anything until tomorrow."

"OK. If we get a call from you or your name is mentioned it will be flagged and the officers will know what's happened. It will be a top priority call."

"Fuck," she said under her breath. "Uh, I'm working on a film set and he knows where. I'll be there another month at least. What do I do?"

"You have security there I assume?"

"Yes, but I don't want to put them at risk."

"Can you have them contact us and we'll advise them? If you think there is a real threat to anyone else's safety we can have officers there."

"OK I'll do that first thing in the morning. Thank you for your help, officer."

When Kenzi rejoined the others they were finished and talking quietly. "Thank you. All of you. I don't even know how to tell you what a huge thing you've done for me tonight." Tears spilled on to her cheeks and she swiftly wiped them away. "I'll get all of this organised tomorrow."

"Are you going to stay here tonight?" Jed asked.

"Uh. I think..."

"You're welcome at mine, Kenzi. But there's no pressure, if you want to be alone I understand."

"I absolutely don't want to be alone. He's going to be calling me, I'm surprised he hasn't already."

"You should stay with Jeremy then," Jed smirked knowingly. "I'd happily sit up with you but sharing a bed is more his domain."

"I'll be back first thing in the morning to sort this out,"

"No you won't. Sleep, you're going to need it I think." He pulled her into a hug.

"Thank you so much, Jed. Thank you."

"I'm just glad you're out of there and safe. Take it easy tonight, ok? If you need anything, just call."

 

Jeremy turned to her as he drove. "I'm not going to ask, you don't have to tell me what happened unless you want to. I'm just relieved you're safe. And as far as, um.. us.. I meant what I said in Scotland, and I'll follow your lead. When you're ready, no matter how much time you need."

"Thank you. For everything. It might take me a little while."

"I know. It's ok. What you just did was huge, Kenzi. You might not realise it for a couple of days. How are you holding up?"

"I don't know. I'm really scared about what's going to happen when he finds out. And I'm just sad that he didn't see the counsellor, didn't try to work things out. A little part of me still hoped I'd get the old Ethan back one day, and now I know that will never happen."

 

 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Kenzi's phone rang just as she got out of the car and she thought her heart might stop. "Ethan," she said shakily.

"What the fuck have you done?"

"You threatened me. I had to leave. I'm sorry it came to this, moving out in the middle of the night, but I didn't feel safe there anymore."

"You wait til I get my hands on you-"

"You won't, Ethan. It's over, we're done."

"Oh, Kenzi. It's far from over. I'm not letting you go, not without a fight."

"I'm hanging up now, I won't let you threaten me. Goodbye Ethan."

She hung up and sat down on the floor in the middle of the room, her blood running cold. "Hey," Jeremy pulled her close and held her tight. "He can't hurt you, he doesn't know you're here. You're safe."

"God Jeremy he was so angry. So cold, and so angry."

"You need to rest. Come on." He stood up and held out his hand, leading her through the house to the guest bedroom and putting down her bag. "Make yourself at home. There's a bathroom just through that door, and plenty of space in the wardrobe. I'm just at the end of the hall if you need me." He kissed her forehead. "Try to get some sleep."

He walked out and Kenzi saw the light go off a minute later. She took off her jeans, shoes, and bra, leaving her shirt on and climbed into the bed. She put her phone down on the nightstand and switched off the light. She could see the screen light up every few minutes with a new message and decided to have a quick look. Ethan wasn't stupid enough to threaten her by text or voice mail, but he had no problem calling her every insult he could think of. She replied just once, to tell him she was turning the phone off, and powered it off. She lay in silence for an hour, unable to sleep, watching the minutes tick over on the clock. It was almost 3am when she gave in and tiptoed down the hall, peeking in to Jeremy's bedroom. "Hey," he said softly in the darkness, making her jump. "I was just about to check on you. Come here." He lifted the covers on the other side of the bed and she slid in beside him. He was warm and smelled good, he was wearing only boxers and Kenzi found comfort against his bare chest, letting his even breathing soothe her to sleep in his strong arms.

* * *

 

_"You didn't think I'd find you?" Ethan screamed. "God Kenzi you're so fucking stupid. Of course you'd be hiding out with him, he's the only friend you've got!"_

_"Ethan, please. Please don't do this. I'll come back, I'll do whatever you say. Leave him out of this, please don't hurt him."_

_"You think I want you back? I should have known, if you were dressing like a slut you'd behave like a slut. I always said you'd cheat, didn't I? You wondered why I never trusted you. You can't be trusted."_

_He pulled out a gun. How had she forgotten that he had a gun? It was supposed to be for her protection, while she was alone at night, to make her feel safe. "No. God, Ethan. Please!"_

_"I don't want you back, Kenzi. You're damaged goods now. I want you to hurt. I'm going to make sure you hurt, just like you hurt me."_

"Kenzi, wake up. You're dreaming. It's just a dream, baby. Sshhhh. You're dreaming. Kenzi, open your eyes. It's ok, you're safe."

She sat up, tears soaking her face, trying to catch her breath. Jeremy put a hand on her back and she flinched, pulling away from his touch as though it burned. Hugging her knees to her chest, she buried her face as sobs racked her body. Jeremy sat up next to her and tentatively put an arm around her shoulders. This time she leaned into him, and when she couldn't catch her breath he lifted her into his lap. She leaned her head against his chest, her hot tears wetting his skin, and he stroked her hair.

Kenzi didn't know how much time had passed when Jeremy lay her back down and wrapped his arms around her. She snuggled into his chest, her breathing still ragged and sniffly, and eventually fell into a restless sleep.

* * *

 

When Kenzi woke again the room was bathed in golden light and she squinted against the brightness. Her eyes and nose burned from crying and it took a few moments to get her bearings. Jeremy was breathing softly behind her, his arm comforting around her waist, pressing her back against him. Ethan had never touched her in bed unless he wanted sex, he certainly never cuddled her while they slept. While making the comparison she grimaced, remembering her dream. It had felt so real. She turned over to face Jeremy, unable to not look at his muscled chest and arms. He had to work hard to maintain that for the film, and she could see why. Every muscle was well defined and hard under her touch, his skin beautifully smooth and almost perfect, marked only by a few freckles. As she nuzzled into his neck he stirred, and she moved her hand away for a moment before placing it flat against his chest, making him groan softly. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head, and she tilted her face toward him, surprising him by kissing his lips softly.

"You ok?" He asked.

"Yeah," she said softly. "Just mentally preparing myself for today."

"The day hasn't even begun, don't worry about it yet," he pulled her waist in to him so their bodies were pressed together, and she trailed a finger down behind his ear to his neck, and could feel his erection stir against her leg. "Kenzi," he groaned.

"Mmm?"

"Are you sure?" She pulled her hand back.

"No. But a distraction would be nice."

"I don't want to take advantage of you."

"I'm a grown up, Jeremy."

"Well then allow me to distract you," he smiled, rolling her to her back and sliding a hand under her shirt.

 

 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Please re-read the trigger warnings at the beginning, this chapter and the next get a bit ugly.***

Jeremy, Jed and Kenzi were sorting through boxes in Jed's garage, deciding what would go in storage and what would go into the house.

"You could just put it all in storage and live with me, until. Well, forever." Jeremy whispered in Kenzi's ear.

"I could, but I don't think that's taking it slowly, do you?"

Kenzi's phone rang in her pocket and she silenced it. Not yet, Ethan.

"God I have to talk to him eventually, don't I?"

"Why?" They both asked in unison.

"Because, I just... have to I guess. I don't think I can just leave it until he stops calling."

"You don't have to do anything until you're ready."

"I'm hoping I can reason with him and make him stop." She pulled her phone out and dialled Ethan's number.

"Good luck with that," Jed said.

"Kenzi, where are you?"

"I'm somewhere safe, Ethan. It's over, and I want you to move on. Please stop calling and texting me."

"Never. I need you. I can't live without you, Kenzi. I won't."

"Don't, Ethan. I want you to call the counsellor you were going to see, and go see them. I can't help you any more and I'm not coming back."

"You listen to me, Kenzi. Whatever happens next, it's on you."

"Don't threaten me. Don't blackmail me. And don't call me again."

"I love you my darling, until the day I die."

She hung up. His last statement made her blood run cold, the tone in his voice was chilling.

She went inside with the boys and sat down, Jed handed her a cup of coffee. "Kenzi, you're as white as a sheet. Are you ok?"

"I think he's going to kill himself,"

"Well that wouldn't-" Jeremy started. Jed put his hand up and shook his head.

"What do I do?"

"I don't think he'll do it, Kenzi. I think he just wants your attention."

"You're probably right. I want to meet him tomorrow and see if I can convince him to get help."

"I think that's a terrible idea." Jeremy said. "He threatened to hurt you."

"We'll go somewhere public. I wasn't going to meet him in a dark alley."

"I guess if I could come with you, just in case."

"If you stay out of sight, yes. He doesn't need to know about us, I don't want to hurt him."

Jeremy laughed. "Yeah, I know. That's not your style."

"Make it in the morning and I'll go as well. I have to go set up in the afternoon."

Kenzi sent a text to Ethan. 'Meet me for coffee tomorrow at the cafe near the set. 10 am.' His reply was quick. 'I'd love to'.

"Done."

"I think you're mad, but we'll be there." Jed said across the table.

"I think your heart is bigger than you'll ever know." Jeremy said as he kissed her cheek.

The day went by and Kenzi relaxed just a little. She had begun to feel the weight of the past few years lifting from her shoulders, knowing it was over and after tomorrow she wouldn't see him again. She promised herself that whatever happened, whatever he said or did, she would be done after that. She didn't owe him any more. When she started to yawn at 10pm she kissed Jeremy goodnight and went to her room at Jed's house. They had set it up like home today, and it was light and uplifting. She hadn't heard from Ethan since that morning and she took that as a good sign that she might have got through to him. Closing her eyes, she drifted off easily.

* * *

 

_Kenzi closed her eyes and tried to ignore the pain, tried to block it out with her mind. Ethan had convinced her to come home, to give him one more chance._

_How?_

_She was pinned under him, his arms holding hers down and his knees between her legs. The knife he had used to cut her clothes off roughly was next to her on the bed, out of her reach but within his, and her skin bore the superficial cuts where he had nicked her, blood forming tiny red spots in almost perfect lines. Never had she known how much such tiny scratches could hurt, her chest and arms were on fire._

_He forced himself onto and in to her, over and over. Not seeking his own pleasure but seeking the absolute limit of her pain threshold. Kenzi wanted to scream, but couldn't, no sound would form, and her own stubbornness wouldn't give him the satisfaction. A few minutes later, when she thought she couldn't possibly take any more, he grabbed the knife and trailed it lightly from her neck down to her navel._

_Even without applying pressure it left a red trail in its wake, and she yelled out in pain._

Kenzi sat upright and realised she had yelled in her sleep, hoping Jed hadn't heard her. Her skin was no longer on fire but she checked to be sure there were no cuts, everything had felt so real, and although it wasn't her face was wet with tears and she was soaked in sweat. Looking at her phone for the time, she noticed two text messages waiting for her. It was 3:46am, she guessed Jeremy had probably sent her messages when he got home, but she had already gone to sleep and didn't hear them. Unlocking the phone, she saw one from Jeremy and one from Ethan, deciding to read Ethan's first. What she read chilled her to the bone.

'12:01am Ethan White wrote: Farewell my sweet, darling Kenzi. Until we meet again.'

"Noooooo!" She screamed, dialling his number. It went to voicemail and she dialled 911 just as she heard Jed running down the hall.

"Kenzi, what's wrong?" She held up a hand as the operator picked up.

"Hi, my name is Kenzi Sullivan and I think my ex partner is or has... uh... taken his own life. Please, you have all the details and it's flagged as priority, can you send someone to his house? OK. Yes, he sent me a text at midnight and he has threatened to before. Yes I am aware of that, but I can't get hold of him. No I'm staying with a friend. Yes that's the one, that's the address I'm staying at. Will they call and let me know? OK."

She hung up and sat on the bed in shock. She showed the message to Jed and he clapped a hand to his mouth, kneeling on the floor in front of her and taking her hands in his.

"Look at me, Kenzi. Whatever happens, no matter what anyone says, or what he has said, this is not in any way your fault. Understand?"

Kenzi shook her head. _It is my fault. He warned me and I didn't listen. And now he might be dead._

 

 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Please re-read the trigger warnings at the beginning, this chapter and the next get a bit ugly.***

"I want to go over there. They're taking too long."

"No, Kenzi."

"Please, Jed."

"No."

Kenzi paced around the kitchen, turning when she heard the doorbell. "Any news?" She heard Jeremy ask quietly. Jed shook his head and closed the door.

Jeremy wrapped Kenzi tightly in his arms, holding her head against his chest. "I'm sorry baby. Hopefully it's just a cry for attention, huh?"

"Will you take me over there? Please?"

"What? No! Kenzi, the cops will call. They're probably just talking to him and they'll call when they're done."

"I can't stand just waiting and doing nothing."

"I know," Jeremy yawned.

"I'm sorry. Jed insisted on calling you, I probably got both of you out of bed for nothing."

"Much as I'm disgusted at what he did to you, I hope you did."

"Here," Jed handed her a cup of tea. "Sit, drink."

She sat down and the doorbell rang again. "Did you call anyone else, Jed?"

"No," he said on his way to the door. He looked through the door and shot a look to Jeremy as he opened it. "Please, come in. Would you like a drink or something?" Kenzi heard him say. A male and a female police officer entered from the hallway and Kenzi put down her tea. It was only after a few seconds, and seeing a subtle shake of Jed's head as a signal to Jeremy, that she realised why they were there. Jeremy caught her halfway to the floor and sat her on the couch, his arm around her shoulders.

"Miss Sullivan, I'm very sorry. We attended the apartment and found a man we believe to be Ethan White deceased. Evidence in the apartment suggests he took a deliberate overdose. I understand he was your partner? We need to ask you some questions if you're up to it."

Kenzi felt as though someone had switched on autopilot. On the outside she was functioning calmly and rationally, but under the surface she couldn't choose an emotion. Anger threatened to make her scream, devastation and sadness made her want to fall on the floor and cry. Everything in between just swam around in her brain, making her dizzy. She couldn't understand what anyone was saying without effort, and it was all she could do to hold herself upright.

She nodded slowly.

"You made a report the day before yesterday, you felt threatened and had to leave the apartment while he was out?"

"Yes."

"And you received a text last night that made you believe he might take his own life?"

"Yes."

"Has he talked about it before tonight?"

Kenzi nodded. "He has said for years if I ever left him, he would kill himself."

"Before we go any further, you need to know you are not in any way responsible for this." The male officer said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Can you tell us what happened the night you left?"

"I had come home from working in Scotland and had decided to leave. For years he had been controlling and forceful with me and while I was there, I realised I didn't have to put up with it. I planned to leave while he was at work yesterday, but he wanted us both to take a day off and try to work things out. When I said I had to work, he asked me how injured I would have to be to take the day off. After I left he said he would find me, that it wasn't over. He said two or three times he would end his own life. I thought it was probably just to get me to come back. It's worked before."

"Thank you, Miss Sullivan. Again, we're very sorry."

"Will you contact his family?"

"Yes, officers are on their way now."

"God, they will be devastated. They had no idea."

Jed walked them out while Kenzi and Jeremy stayed in the living room. She was numb, so many emotions, thoughts and feelings spinning around inside her they seemed to cancel one another out, leaving her with nothing. When Jed returned both he and Jeremy watched her, waiting for a reaction. She looked at Jed, her face expressionless. "You should go back to bed. I'm fine, really. Jeremy, you should go home and get some rest."

"The only way I'm going home is if you come with me."

"Is that the only way the two of you are going to sleep?"

"Kenzi you don't have to hold it together for us."

"I'm fine. I'll be fine. Take me with you, then."

"You don't have to come with me if you'd rather stay here."

"I want to come with you. Let's go."

Jeremy was concerned about the complete lack of emotion Kenzi was displaying after the flood she had experienced earlier, but he knew she needed to sleep and process what had happened and took her to the car without argument.

When they got inside everything was dark, and Jeremy led her straight to the bedroom. When they got there Kenzi turned and kissed him, probing his lips gently with her tongue. She fumbled with the hem of his shirt, trying to remove it, and he grabbed hold of her hands.

He sighed, grappling with conflicted feelings. "Kenzi, I don't think this is a good idea?"

"Why? You didn't mind the last two times."

"Because... you've had the night from hell. You're going to mourn and you need to deal with all the emotions that go with it. I'm here, and I'll do whatever you need me to, but I don't think this is a good idea."

"I might as well have stayed at Jed's," she huffed, heading for the guest bedroom.

Jeremy followed her and grabbed her hand, spinning her around and holding her tight against him. "You have no idea how much I want you, Kenzi. I'm not rejecting you, I just think you're trying to avoid dealing with how you're feeling."

"My controlling and abusive ex has ended his own life to spite me. He's dead, Jeremy. I should be relieved."

"You could be relieved, and that would be a completely valid reaction. But you're not, that's not you. You're hurt and sad and devastated. You loved him. You told me once he was a controlling bastard but he was also familiar and predictable."

"Well now I hate him. For making me feel like this. Fuck, I'm going to have to deal with his family and pretend he was the loving boyfriend they think he was. I want to hate him." She squashed her face hard into his chest, trying to quell the anger and sadness rising in her chest and stop the tears from falling. Instead she was sobbing loudly, dignity out the window. It felt like hours had passed when her legs gave way beneath her and Jeremy carried her to his bed, laying her down gently and holding her tight while she fell into a fitful sleep.

 

 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

_Hot. Ugh hot and sweaty. And bright, way too bright. What time is it? Why does my head feel like it's in a vice and why is my stomach in a knot?_

Kenzi slowly opened her eyes and squinted at her watch. It was almost 9am. _Fuck. Work, I have to go to work._ The night before began to come back to her in fragments. _Jeremy. Jeremy's bed. He turned me down. Why? What were we doing?_

_Jed's house. I was in bed, at Jed's house. In my room. And then I ended up here._

Jeremy put his arms around her, pulling her back into him. "Go back to sleep, baby."

_Why isn't he at work? We were at Jed's house, and then the police... Ethan. Ethan is dead._

She roughly pushed Jeremy off, running to the bathroom to vomit. _Oh god, he's dead. He really did it, and he's gone. I never got the chance to..._ Jeremy was sitting behind her, rubbing her back. Kenzi vomited and cried and until she was sure there mustn't be anything left, and then cried and vomited some more. Her entire being felt overwhelmed, her brain, her heart, her body. She thought she might just sink down into the floor and give up, but Jeremy was there, holding her against him, talking softly although she couldn't understand what he was saying. Rubbing her back, holding her hair.

"He's really dead, isn't he. That wasn't some awful nightmare. He killed himself because I left."

"Yes, Kenzi."

They were sitting on the bathroom floor, Jeremy cuddling into Kenzi's back. Occasionally he stroked her hair or her back, and he had given her a wet washer to wipe her face. She didn't know how long they had been there, but she knew she couldn't get up, and she didn't really care. If he wasn't there she'd have lay down right there and hoped to just fade away. Every time she thought there was nothing left the tears would flow again and her weak, sore, stiff body would be racked by sobs once more. More than once she had, embarrassingly, put her hands over her mouth and let out a primal scream when emotion overcame her. When she finally turned to Jeremy she saw his eyes were wet with tears and his face streaked and blotchy. She raised a hand to wipe the tears from his cheeks and instead he kissed her fingertips, holding her hand while he stood and pulled her up off the floor. He walked back to the bedroom, and as he led Kenzi by the hand everything in front of her eyes began to swim, a white glow overtaking her vision. She felt herself stumble and before she could right herself everything went black.

She came back to consciousness in Jeremy's bed, he was looking at her and frowning. "There you are," he said. "I was starting to worry."

"What happened?"

"You fainted in the hallway. Do you feel ok?"

"I feel fucking awful but I don't think that's anything to do with fainting." Kenzi managed a weak smile. "I'm sorry I worried you. And I'm really sorry you had to see that this morning. But I'm glad you were here to stop me from completely shutting down."

"Don't apologise, neither could be helped. I wish I could just take all the pain away, Kenzi, I really do."

Jeremy pulled her into his arms and she rested her head near his shoulder. "I just can't believe he would really do it. And if I'd got the message sooner-"

"Don't. Don't do that. Even if you had, it was probably too late. I don't think he wanted you to rescue him, I think he wanted you to hurt. If he just wanted you to come running he wouldn't have actually taken the pills."

"That's true. But I'll never know if I could have saved him. How do I tell his family that he sent me a goodbye message but I was asleep? That right after I found out I tried to have sex with another man because I didn't want to deal with the guilt and pain. How am I even going to face them?"

"You will. I'll be there if you need me to. And you were hurting, it's normal to want a distraction."

"Thank you for stopping me. I shouldn't have put you in that position."

"You're not an easy woman to say no to." He smiled.

"I have to call his mother," she said, sitting up. "Will you stay with me?"

"Of course. Why don't you get dressed and I'll make you some toast first?"

* * *

 

"Margaret? It's Kenzi. Yes. I'm sorry too. I'm so sorry."

"Well we had broken up. Very recently, a couple of days before. Yes, I was staying with a friend. We were making one another unhappy, we still loved one another but... I'm so glad you understand. I do feel partly responsible."

"I don't know, maybe if I'd been there...yep. Yes. Thank you."

"Funeral? Uh, to be honest I'd thought you would want to handle it in New York. Oh, ok. Can I have a few hours to think about it? OK. Take care, Margaret. I'll talk to you soon."

Kenzi slumped back in the chair, wiping tears from her face and sipping her tea. Jeremy squeezed her hand. "You're amazing, I hope one day you see that."

"They want me to organise his funeral. Because I was his partner, they think I'll do a better job. Fuck." She put her face down in her hands.

"I don't think it's unreasonable for you to say no. You were his partner but they were his family. And you're having a hard enough time as it is."

"I think I'll have to say no. I just don't think I can do it."

"Come here," Jeremy said, pulling her into him. "Sleep on it. You've had hardly any sleep in three days. And then if you still don't want to you know it's the right choice."

"Do you have any plans today?"

"Nope. I'm all yours."

 

 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

After lunch Jeremy insisted Kenzi have a nap and took her to bed. As she lay there for a few minutes, listening to his breathing, she realised he was asleep. She watched him for a few moments, her mind was racing. Too many thoughts, Ethan, the funeral, their relationship. She needed to get them out or she'd never sleep again. She went quietly to the study and got a pen and paper.

> My dear Ethan,
> 
> Remember when we first met? I used to make fun of your accent and the way it stuck out like dogs' balls at an Australian uni. You were so smart, funny, charming, and from the moment we were introduced I knew we would be together.
> 
> I would have followed you anywhere, especially in the first couple of years, you could talk me in to just about anything. The smile you'd give me when I eventually gave in almost always made it worthwhile. We were young and so in love, and if you'd told me at the time I'd end up feeling at home in LA I'd have thought you were drunk. And yet here I am. We did make a home, and at times it was lovely. You were always familiar to me, you were my known when I had too many unknowns to cope with. You were predictable when there was too much chaos and uncertainty.
> 
> If I could have told you one last thing, it wouldn't have been that I still love you. Although I did, and as my first real love you will always hold a place in my heart. It would be that I forgive you. I don't understand what would make you treat me the way you did, or how things between us went so wrong, or why you would choose to hurt me like this as your final act of torment. But I forgive you. Because if I don't, I will never trust, or love, or see the light again. I do it not for you, but for myself.
> 
> And for your family, I won't lie, but I will leave out the details about how controlling you were and instead talk about the good times, the Ethan I fell in love with.
> 
> From this point I promise to remember you as the Ethan who will live on in my heart and memories. The one who surprised me with roses in the middle of a lecture, the one who helped me get my dream job with Microsoft, the one who talked me in to moving across the globe in less than an hour. The one I really thought would come back to me, one day.
> 
> I am sorry we made one another so miserable. Sometimes I guess love alone really isn't enough. This is not my fault, and I will not take responsibility in any way for your death. You chose this. The man I will grieve isn't the one who I shared an apartment and a bed with. I will grieve for the man you were before, and for the man you could have been. The man with the kind heart, who only ever wanted to keep me to himself. I will grieve for the hope of that man returning to me, of meeting him, of seeing what a beautiful relationship we might have had, of the life that might have been.
> 
> I hope, wherever you are, you are free from the hurt and anger, and that you have found peace.
> 
> Fly free, my first love, my beautiful Ethan.

Kenzi read it over and over again. Tears flowed every time, but as the words sunk deeper the anger and hurt she had been forcing down inside began to release. She felt the mind-numbing sadness, grief, and shock of the past 24 hours and allowed them to wash over her, sending torrents down her cheeks. But something was different this time. The tears weren't an overflow of mixed emotions, they were tears of pure sadness, and releasing them felt good, like she might one day heal and come out the other side. Eventually she went back to the bed and snuggled into Jeremy, falling asleep in his arms and finally finding rest.

* * *

 

When Kenzi woke she guessed it was late afternoon, the sun was casting an orange glow outside the bedroom. She rolled over looking for Jeremy and found him sitting on the edge of the bed. He turned around when he felt her moving behind him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep."

"I have things to do anyway," she said, sitting up and putting a pillow behind her back. She realised she had left what she had written on the table next to the bed, and Jeremy was looking over at it.

"Could I... may I... read what you wrote?"

"Sure," Kenzi handed it to him. She looked down at her lap while he read it, a little embarrassed. She didn't have the greatest way with words. She looked up when she heard him sniffle, and he turned and opened his arms to her, tears streaming down his face.

"You are the most kind and compassionate person I've ever met. You're amazing and you have a pure heart. God Kenzi how you can even think about forgiving him...it's beyond me. It's just... you're exceptional."

"I'm going to organise the funeral," she said, cuddling into his bare chest.

"I thought you would. That's a very noble thing for you to do, given the circumstances."

"I did love him, Jeremy. I still loved him. I always will."

"I know you did. You never gave up on him, did you?"

"No. Never."

They sat for a long time, until Kenzi's phone rang and Jeremy went to get it for her. It was Jed.

"Hey," she said. "I didn't get a chance to say thank you for last night."

"You're more than welcome. How are you feeling?"

"Better. A lot better. I've spoken to Ethan's mother, they want me to arrange his funeral here."

"You're not going to do it are you?"

"Yes. I'll find a replacement to work for me, you don't need to worry."

"Kenzi, I'm not worried about work, I'm worried about you. That's a huge ask after what he did to you."

"I know. But I've thought a lot about it and I'm ready. I want to."

"If you need anything, just call, OK?"

"Ok. I might stay here tonight and I'll come back in the morning."

"Kenzi, you have a key. You're an adult. I offered you my guest room as a safe place, you can come and go as you please. You don't need my permission."

"Thanks, Jed."

 

 


	19. Chapter Nineteen

"Kenzi Sullivan?"

"Detective Goldstein. Please, come in. Would you like tea, coffee, something else?"

"No, thank you. I'm sorry to put you through this, we just have a few questions."

"Anything I can do to help. Please, have a seat."

They sat down on Jed's couch. Jed and Jeremy had disappeared to the deck, in earshot if she needed them but keeping their distance.

"It's protocol for suicides like Ethan's to be referred to the Medical Examiner's office. They called in the narcotics division, and that's why I'm here."

"Because he used an overdose?"

"Yes. But also because he used a cocktail of drugs, and there was evidence of extensive drug abuse. How long had Ethan been using meth?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Ethan was a long term meth user. The M.E. found tissue damage consistent with prolonged use, both snorting and injection, and he tested positive for methamphetamine and morphine."

"Ethan didn't use drugs. He hated drugs. He didn't even like people smoking cigarettes near him."

"My apologies, I didn't realise this would be a shock to you."

"There has to be a mistake. There has to be." Kenzi raised a shaking hand to her mouth as realisation dawned on her.

"I'm afraid there isn't, and I'm really sorry you had to find out like this. Are you up to more questions?"

"Yes. I'm not sure how much help I'll be though."

"Did you notice a period of time where his behaviour changed dramatically?"

Kenzi almost laughed. "Yes, definitely. It was gradual though, over a period of years."

"Was he ever violent or aggressive? Depressed? Moody?"

"Yes, yes, yes and yes."

"And that's the reason you broke it off and moved out in the middle of the night? Were you scared of him?"

"Yes, he threatened me. He wasn't usually outright violent but he was very controlling and I knew he was capable of it. I knew I had to get out."

"Was he away from home a lot?"

"Yes, at night. He didn't travel but he went out every night and I wasn't allowed to go unless he specifically wanted me to. And I was away for work fairly regularly."

"Do you know his friends well?"

"No. I only met most of them once or twice. They were all work colleagues though." Kenzi put a hand to her head as though someone had hit her with a brick. "Oh god, that's when it started. That's when he changed."

The detective gave her a sympathetic look. "He was obviously very good at hiding it." Kenzi nodded. "The official finding is that he died from a deliberate overdose, a cocktail of meth and morphine. The dose was huge, which is what triggered all the other tests. I'm very sorry, Kenzi."

"Is there any way to keep this from his family? Just leave it at an overdose?"

"You're officially his next of kin so everything will be released to you. We can't deny them if they ask, but I guess you can keep it to yourself if you wish."

She nodded. "This would devastate them. I'd rather they remember how he was last time they saw him. He was happy and in love, content."

"Off the record, I think that's an admirable decision. I know the funeral home has contacted the M.E. and they'll be able to release his body to you in the next day or so. If you have any concerns please give me a call."

* * *

 

Kenzi closed the door and stood behind it, taking a moment to steady herself before joining the boys on the deck, collapsing into a chair.

"Kenzi?" Jeremy kneeled in front of her, taking her hands. "You've gone that grey colour you did before you passed out this morning. Are you ok?"

She shook her head no. Jed went to the kitchen to get her some water.

"Did something else happen? Something you didn't know before?" Kenzi nodded. "What is it?" he said gently.

All Kenzi could do was shake her head as tears she thought had dried up began to well in her eyes again. She leaned in to Jeremy, burying her face in his neck. He rubbed her back for a few minutes until she felt like she could speak.

"Turns out there was a reason behind Ethan's behaviour. Meth. I spent years living and sleeping with a meth addict and I had no fucking idea. How does that even happen?" Jed and Jeremy were both speechless for a moment.

"How do they know that?"

"Medical tests, standard when someone dies from an overdose. He's been using for years. I assume he started around when his behaviour changed, when we first came to LA."

"Oh my god. So he overdosed on meth?"

"He overdosed on a mixture of meth and morphine. Plenty of it apparently. Detectives are going to speak to his friends. Not that it matters now. How could I not know? I could have done something, I could have helped him!"

"No, Kenzi. You couldn't have. Trust me."

"I asked them not to tell his family. Apparently all the results will come straight to me, they won't get them unless they ask. Hopefully they won't."

"Are you sure? You don't think they deserve to know?"

"I don't think it makes a difference. They haven't seen him since we moved here, might as well protect them."

Jeremy pulled her back to him and kissed the top of her head, wrapping his arms tight around her. "Your strength blows me away. He doesn't deserve this kindness."

* * *

 

That afternoon, with the help of the boys, Kenzi began the funeral arrangements, relaying everything to Margaret to be passed on to the rest of the family.

"Jed, we need to talk about work," she said suddenly.

"I told you not to worry about it."

"I know, and I won't, until something goes horribly wrong and you have to stop filming because I'm not there to fix it. I'll be there every day, but the day of the funeral, I'll need a few hours at least. I thought I'd get someone to fill in for the day so I don't have to rush."

"We're not filming that day, Kenzi. At the very least one of my main characters will be absent, and so will I, so it's a moot point really."

"Why?"

"We're coming to support you," Jeremy said. "Jed is coming because it would be weird if it was just me. We'll stay in the background and just look out for you, be there if you need us."

"You don't need to do that,"

"You don't think we'd both be a bit distracted knowing you're there and we're trying to shoot scenes? We'll be there. Jed has already told everyone, they just think they're having an impromptu day off."

"Thank you. Both of you. I couldn't have done any of this without you. There's one more thing I have to do today, he needs a suit."

"Can't the funeral home organise that?"

"They could, but he might as well be in one of his own. I just have to go back to the apartment and get it. I have to anyway, I guess."

Jeremy stood up. "I'll drive,"

"No. I can do this."

"Kenzi-"

"Jeremy, I can do it. Some time alone will be good for me. I'll meet you back at yours?"

"OK." She hugged them both tightly, giving Jeremy a light kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you again. I'll be back in a little while, Jed."

 

 


	20. Chapter Twenty

Kenzi opened the door quietly. It was late afternoon and the golden light filling the apartment made her feel as warm as she did sad. Standing in the living room, she looked around, scanning for... something. She didn't know what. A sign. A syringe, an empty packet, something that would give her a hint. But there was nothing. If nothing else, Ethan had certainly been the master of secrets. She had racked her brain on the way here, trying to think of something she had missed, something that would have been a dead giveaway. He had his own bank account, so she guessed he had simply lied about his income.

She realised upon walking in to the bedroom that she wasn't angry. Perhaps she had simply run out of anger after the last few days. Shocked and saddened, definitely, but not angry. She didn't look at the bed, assuming that was where they had found him. _That was where he took his last breath. He died in this room. Was he sad? Was he hurt? Was he too high to care? Was he so desperate that suicide was the only way, or was it really just to spite me?_

She took his black suit from the closet, with a green shirt and grey and green tie, putting them into a bag with shoes and underwear. She turned and looked around for a few moments before going back to the door, locking and closing it behind her.

Back on the street, she spotted a familiar car parked behind hers, and Jeremy got out as she loaded Ethan's clothes into the car.

"I can explain," he put his hands up, palms forward. "I wasn't coming in, I just wanted to make sure you were ok to drive when you came out. I promise."

Kenzi smiled a little. "It's ok, you're not in trouble. How could you be for doing something so sweet. Thank you."

"Do you want me to drop them off for you? Then you can go home and grab some things before you come over?"

"You don't mind?"

"Of course not, it's on the way. I'll see you at mine."

Kenzi went back to Jed's house and packed clothes for the next day, giving him another tight hug before she left. "See you in the morning, boss."

"You will. Have a good night. I mean, you know. Just go." he laughed.

Only a few minutes later she was at Jeremy's house, the sun was almost set and she parked her car in the driveway. Before she could knock he opened the door.

"Something smells good," she said. As she went to the guest room to put her bag down she realised all of the lights were dimmed, and on her return she noticed out on the deck there was a small table with candles. Jeremy took her hand and led her outside, pulling the chair out for her to sit down.

"Wow,"

"I didn't have a lot of time, so it's only pasta, but it's the thought that counts, right?"

"I think in this case it's the candles and champagne that count," she smiled.

"It's good to see you smile, Kenzi. I know you probably don't feel like it, but it's nice to see."

"I think it will be nice to get back to... well to have a life. When this all calms down. Hopefully no more surprises."

"I'll drink to that," Jeremy said. "Your life so far is a little more excitement than I bargained for."

"You've been so wonderful to me. Thank you, Jeremy. It might, uh, be a while. Before I'm ready for anything serious."

"I know. I can wait. Actually my agent called while I was waiting and I got a new part today in another action film so I'll be away for a while. Shooting in the desert apparently. It starts in about two months."

"Congratulations, that's great news."

Kenzi yawned as she took their plates to the kitchen and Jeremy brought in the glasses. "You should go to bed, it's going to be a long one tomorrow."

"Take me to bed then,"

"But I thought... you sure?"

"Yes, Jeremy. Sex isn't serious, it's sex. And if you're not sure I'll settle for a cuddle and I'll keep my clothes on."

"OK then," he turned off the lights and took her to the bedroom. He whirled her around to face him and pulled her to his mouth, kissing her fervently. She moaned into his mouth and slid her hands inside his shirt, pulling it easily over his head and doing the same with her own. He unbuttoned her shorts and slipped them down off her hips to the floor, leading her to the bed and laying her down in her bra and panties. He stood and gazed down at her. "Fuck, Kenzi, you're so beautiful."

Kenzi sat up enough to hook her fingers in his waistband and pull his pants down, tugging on his hips and pulling him down on top of her. She could feel his erection already pressing in to her through the thin fabric of her underwear. He kissed her mouth again and trailed kisses down behind her ear, down her neck and over the sensitive spot near her collarbone. She writhed under him, arching her back up to him and running her fingertips lightly down his chest. He easily unclasped her bra and slid it down off her shoulders, exposing her firm breasts, and he kissed around them, sucking a pink nipple into his mouth and eliciting a groan. Kenzi ran her hands over his naked torso, over his back and shoulders, pausing to tease his nipples, rolling them one at a time between her thumb and finger.

He moved down to her waist and hips, circling her navel slowly with his tongue while sliding her panties down her thighs and off. Moving back to her breast he sucked a nipple into his mouth while he slid two fingers slowly inside her, making her breath catch in her throat. She reached down and stroked his erection, taking it firmly in her hand and sliding down, cupping his balls. He groaned and pushed it in to her hand, rubbing his thumb over her clit while he grazed her neck with his teeth. For a few moments he watched her face, enjoying seeing her become more breathless and flushed as he teased her with his hands. Seeing that she was close to orgasm, he slid his fingers deeper, putting a little more pressure on her clit and kissing her mouth hungrily, feeling her arch and writhe under him as she spasmed around his fingers and moaned into his mouth.

Removing his fingers he flipped them both over so she was on top, and she made quick work of putting his tip at her entrance, teasing him by swirling her hips before she slid his length inside her. "Ah, Kenzi. You feel so amazing." She continued sliding painfully slowly up and down his shaft, groaning at the feeling of fullness when he was inside her. She sat up, straddling him, and thrust her hips to take him in deeper, pressing her hands on his chest. He reached a hand down and circled her clit again and she began to thrust faster, moving her hips so she slid up and down his entire length, plunging him deeper inside with every movement. With a shudder she shattered around him, convulsing around him, and bent down to kiss up his chest, nibbling and biting his nipples, reaching his mouth just as he thrust up to meet her and spilled his seed into her. She lay down on his chest, trying to catch her breath and feeling his heart pounding under her.

Kenzi suddenly felt very sleepy, and she rolled off him, laying her head on Jeremy's chest. He put his arms tight around her and kissed the top of her head. "You are an amazing woman, Kenzi Sullivan."

"You're pretty amazing yourself," she said sleepily. "Thank you so much for everything you've done for me. You had no idea you were getting yourself in to this."

"I wish you hadn't been hurt, but it has shown me how strong and resilient you are. And also how fragile. And it's a beautiful thing. Go to sleep, baby."

 

 


	21. Chapter Twenty One

Kenzi and Jeremy arrived at the set together and it didn't occur to her until they got out of the car that someone might see them. Thankfully no one else was there yet except for Jed. Kenzi wasn't expecting a particularly busy day, she just needed to be there for tech support unless Jed got big ideas and needed something different set up. She went straight to her trailer and was surprised when she turned to get something and Jeremy was right behind her. He snaked a hand under her hair to the back of her neck, the other around her waist, and pulled her mouth to his, kissing her passionately. When he pulled away she was almost panting.

"What was that for?"

"Does it need to be for anything?"

"No, but if I did something to deserve it I'd like to do it again!"

"Oh you did something. You did a lot of things. I just wanted to do it while I had the chance. I have to get to makeup but I'll see you at lunch?"

"Maybe. We'll see."

She licked her lips, tasting him and the hint of a smile touched her lips. He was her light in a very dark place, and she was trying not to rush in and ruin it, but she had missed out on closeness for so long, being in his arms was the best feeling in the world.

A couple of hours later she was on her way to get coffee when one of Jed's assistants called out to her. "I have a message for you, the guy rang a little while ago and asked me to pass this on." She handed Kenzi a post it with the name Mark and a phone number on it.

"Thank you. Did he say what he wanted?"

"No but he said it was important to speak to you before tomorrow. Um, Jed told me about your... I'm really sorry for your loss."

"Thank you," Kenzi said, giving her a faint smile.

She waited until lunch time when she wasn't busy to close her trailer door and dial the number. "Hi, Mark? This is Kenzi Sullivan, you left a message for me to call you."

"Hey Kenzi. Thanks for calling me back. I was really sorry to hear about Ethan. We work together, we used to. We hung out a fair bit."

"Oh, Mark! Right, yeah we met a couple of times. What can I do for you?"

"Could we meet somewhere and talk?"

"Um, sure, but not before tomorrow."

"Oh."

"I'm guessing this is about Ethan and you want me to know before the funeral?"

"Yes. It's a bit, um, sensitive. But I really think you should know."

"Is it about the meth? Because I know about that. A detective told me yesterday."

"No, it isn't. Although if you didn't know I'd tell you about that, too. Ethan..."

"Just spit it out, Mark. I doubt anything you say will surprise me."

"He was sleeping with another woman. From work. I'm really sorry, Kenzi. I would have just kept it to myself, I know telling you will only cause you more pain. But I have a feeling she might turn up tomorrow, even though we've told her not to."

"How long? Did she know about me?"

"Yes, she did."

Kenzi waited. "How long, Mark?"

"A couple of... years."

"Is she there now?"

"Somewhere, yes. Why?"

"Tell her she is welcome tomorrow. If she doesn't make a scene. If she does, she's out. Same goes for the rest of you. His family have no idea what happened when we moved here, and I have no intention of telling them. Got it?"

"Wow. Not the reaction I was expecting. I'll let her know. We'll see you tomorrow, a few of us are coming."

"Good, I'll see you then."

"Fuck! You bastard!" Kenzi yelled out loud after she hung up. A soft knock on the door made her jump. She wiped her face hurriedly and opened the door. Jeremy was carrying two plates and drinks on a tray.

"Who are you talking to?" He looked behind her, expecting to see someone. "Are you ok? Are you crying?" He looked at her face and set the tray down on Kenzi's desk. He pulled her to him and into a hug. "What's going on, baby?"

"He was cheating on me, Jeremy. For two years he's been sleeping with a woman he works with. Two fucking years! And she's coming to the funeral."

"What?! Why?"

"Because apparently four or five times a week wasn't enough. Maybe she got a choice in whether-" Jeremy chuckled a little.

"No darling, why is she coming to the funeral."

"Oh. I said she could if she didn't make a scene and didn't say anything about their relationship. It's been two years I guess she has a right to be there, too. Why the fuck not! How could he? I bet he treated her better than me." She said sadly, fresh tears trickling down her face.

"I'm so sorry Kenzi,"

"He controlled every minute of my life, told me what to wear, who to talk to, and only let me out of my box to show me off like a fucking trophy. He forced me in to sex whether I was willing or not, he took pleasure in hurting and humiliating me, and he punished me if another man looked at me the wrong way. It never even occurred to me that he might be having an affair. Never. Because I did everything he wanted. How many more secrets can there be? I don't think I can take any more, Jeremy." After a minute she looked up at him. "If I find out tomorrow that he has some bastard child out there somewhere... I'm going to make a scene, Jeremy. Young and the Restless style." She slammed her head back against his chest and laughed. "This could not possibly get any more fucked up. Seriously."

He chuckled softly. "Oh Kenzi I really hope not. I can't wait for this nightmare to be over so we can get on with...us." he leaned down and kissed her lightly on the lips. "So I brought you lunch,"

"Thank you. I'm sorry again that you have to deal with my baggage."

"Don't be. You just told your abusive ex's mistress that she can come to the funeral you're organising for him. No one else in this world would do that. I'm impressed. Now eat, I've only got another twenty minutes."

 

 


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

Rain poured down outside, making a deafening sound on the roof and sending rivulets trickling down the windows. Kenzi propped herself up on her elbows and looked at the window. It was almost still dark but something told her it was later than it seemed. Her watch said 6:14 and she groaned at her uncanny ability to wake a minute or so before her alarm. She showered, taking the time to wash and straighten her long hair and perfect her makeup. Today, for the last time, she would dress the way Ethan would have liked. The real Ethan, the one she fell in love with. The one who loved her either way, but liked her hair left long and straight so he could run his fingers through it. She had chosen a navy blue dress she'd forgotten she owned. He had loved that, too. Structured and fitted, it was sleeveless with a square neckline, plain at the top with a wide waistband that accentuated her tiny waist and a pleated skirt that hung just to her knees. Adding black satin peep toe heels she went down to the kitchen just before 7:30 where Jed was preparing breakfast, and she noticed three places set at the table.

"Good morning," he said, looking up from the stove and seeing her frown a little. "Jeremy's on his way over for breakfast."

"Oh. OK. Need some help?"

"Get the juice and some glasses?"

While they ate they talked about the plans for the day. Ethan's parents wanted to meet Kenzi at the funeral home before the ceremony, they had insisted on a viewing before the casket was closed. Seeing as they hadn't seen him in so long, Kenzi had agreed, even though she wasn't keen on it herself. The ceremony would be a simple one, led by a celebrant, with Ethan's sister reading a short eulogy. Afterward they would all go to a local restaurant Kenzi had booked for the afternoon, while his body was cremated.

When it was time to go Jeremy opened the car door for her, putting a warm hand on her back. "This might be inappropriate, but you look beautiful. Elegant and dignified." He said in to her ear.

"Thank you," she said as she sat down in the car. The boys had both changed after breakfast and were now wearing suits and black shirts. Jeremy had a red, white and black striped tie and looked incredibly handsome, if a little like a bodyguard. They arrived a little early and Kenzi went in to the small room alone. She felt like she was in a film, with the wood panelling covering the walls and the single casket in the middle of the room, surrounded by white and red flowers. Hesitantly she walked over to the black coffin and peered inside. She was shocked at how peaceful he looked. He looked like the old Ethan, without the constant angry frown on his face. A single tear slid down Kenzi's cheek.

"My Ethan," she said, sweeping a stray hair off his forehead. "In the last two days I have found out you were a drug user and had another girlfriend." She pulled the letter she had written out of her bag, along with a necklace he had given her when they first started dating, and put them gently in his pocket. "I still mean everything I said. I forgive you. I'm sorry I didn't see it, I'm sorry I couldn't help you, and I'm sorry this is how it had to end. How you chose to end it. I love you, and I will miss you dearly. Today is the end of this chapter of my life, I'm moving on. May you rest in peace now." She kissed his hand and laid it gently back down by his side. Wiping her face she turned back toward the door just as Margaret, Anthony and Melissa entered. Their greetings were short and she allowed them some time alone with him, going back to Jed and Jeremy in the foyer. Jeremy kept a protective hand on her back but kept his distance as the rest arrived, mostly relatives Kenzi didn't recognise. When Mark arrived he came straight in Kenzi's direction.

"Hi Mark," she said softly. "Thank you for calling yesterday. I think you did the right thing. Is she coming?"

"Yes. Any minute."

"I want to talk to her."

"Really?" He eyed her warily and then looked over her shoulder. "Here's your chance, then." He waved a blonde woman over to them and she hesitated, recognising Kenzi.

"Kenzi, this is Alison," he said nervously.

"Can we talk over there for a moment?" She gestured to a quiet area away from the rest of the crowd, and Alison nodded nervously.

"Two years, huh? I guess you probably knew about the meth too?"

Alison nodded, looking down at the floor, and Kenzi softened her voice. "I'm not going to bite your head off or anything. But I have a right to know. Don't I?"

"Yes, you do."

"Was he kind to you? Did he treat you well? And did you know about me?"

"Yes, he did. Very much so. And I did. I'm sorry Kenzi. Really, truly, sorry. I never meant for it to go on so long, or for you to get hurt."

"Did you love him? Did he love you?"

"He said he did. And yes, I loved him."

Kenzi nodded. "I'm only trying to protect his family, understand? They don't know about the drugs, or you, or the way he treated me. And if I can help it, they won't. They don't need to. I've talked to the manager here and when everyone else has gone you can go and see him if you like, before they take him to be cremated."

"That would mean the world to me, thankyou. Can I ask you something? Why are you being so kind to me? To him?"

"Because I loved him. The Ethan I fell in love with was kind and caring, and he loved me. I'm choosing to remember that, not the man he became, the one who gave his love to someone else and took out his anger on me. And because I have nothing else left, I don't have the energy to fight with anyone. I have to go." The doors had opened and everyone was taking their seats. Kenzi sat toward the front and insisted Jed and Jeremy come with her, she didn't want to sit alone.

The service was short but beautiful and sincere, and Kenzi managed to reign in her emotions, only letting a few stray tears trickle down her cheeks. At the end she thanked the celebrant for his kind words and they walked down the street to the restaurant.

"I saw what you did for Alison," Jeremy said later. "That took guts and class, Kenzi."

"My kind and pure hearted exterior is just about worn down," she said wearily. "I think I need to go home."

 

 


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

Kenzi stayed at Jed's that night and despite his insistence she couldn't stomach dinner. Jeremy hadn't wanted to leave but she was desperate to be alone. To let the hurt and grief from the last few days sink in and settle. She had a shower and put on pajamas, snuggling in to bed and listening to the rain beating down on the roof again. Silent tears streamed from her eyes and when she fell asleep she was hugging her pillow, her face wet and eyes burning.

When the alarm went off at 5am Kenzi's attention was drawn to the light outside. The rain had stopped and the sun was rising again. She put on shorts, a tank top and runners and went for a run. _Oh I've missed this_ , she thought as the pink sky spread above her and the breeze rushed through her hair. She hadn't run, hadn't eaten properly or really lived her own life since returning from Scotland. When she turned to go back her lungs were burning, her legs felt like lead and her heart threatened to beat right up her throat and out of her mouth. She went straight to the shower when she got back and when she went to the kitchen dressed for work Jed was just getting breakfast.

"You were up early,"

"I went running. I need my routine back. I'm getting my life back."

"Glad to hear it. Does that include getting your appetite back?"

"It does," Kenzi said as she reached for the muesli.

They ate together and then drove to work, Jeremy found her in the trailer a short time later and closed the door behind him.

"Hey gorgeous," he said in to her ear, putting his arms around her from behind and kissing her cheek.

"Good morning," she said. "Thank you, for last night. For understanding. I needed some time alone."

"The bed was a bit cold without you," he said. "How are you today?"

"Slow," she chuckled. "I went running and wasn't sure I'd make it home! I'm good. I want to get my life back. Get me back."

"I was thinking maybe I could take you out tonight? On a date."

"Isn't it a bit late for that? We're already sleeping together."

"You told me sex isn't serious though. I want more than that."

"Jeremy, I know you do. But the funeral was only yesterday. It's going to take some time."

"I know, that's why I suggested a date rather than proposing marriage."

"When I said I needed some time alone, I meant more than one night. I need to grieve, and recover, and live my life, before I can share it with someone else."

"OK. I'm sorry. I have to go anyway, so maybe I'll see you later. No doubt I'll see you around the set either way."

* * *

 

The next few weeks flew by, Kenzi worked hard but for the first time in her adult life she was playing hard as well. She had made friends with a few people from the film and there was always something happening, meaning she was out most nights of the week. Jed encouraged her, inviting her when the crew and cast went out for events, occasionally taking her as his date. Jeremy was respecting her request for time alone, although begrudgingly. Kenzi had had everything from the apartment moved in to storage so they could end the lease and was slowly sorting through everything and looking for another apartment. All too soon they were wrapping up filming, and the following day Kenzi packed up all of the equipment to be returned to the studios. She looked up from carrying a large case and was surprised to see Jeremy, none of the other actors were in today.

"Hey you," she said. "Glad to be finished?"

"Yes and no. I've really enjoyed this, I'm going to miss it. But also it's a relief, the leather was starting to chafe." He grinned his devilish grin. "You coming to the party tonight?"

"Absolutely."

"Ah yes, I forgot you were a party girl now."

"I have a lot of lost time to make up for," she smirked. "I'll see you there?"

"You will. How are you doing?"

"Good. Great, actually. I mean, I miss him. But I have my freedom back to do whatever I want. I'm almost done sorting through his stuff, and I've got money put away for an apartment. I still haven't found an apartment or decided where. But I'm getting back in to it. It feels good."

"It shows. You look really happy, Kenzi. I'm really happy for you."

"You get some credit for that. You have made a huge impact on my life, Jeremy."

"You did the hard bit, I just distracted you and held your hair back," he winked. "I have to get going but I'll see you tonight."

* * *

 

Jed and Kenzi arrived in in a cab and were blinded by flashes. "Ha! That will keep the gossip sites going for a while. Last month I was gay!"

Kenzi laughed as they walked in. They had the club to themselves, and she could see Jeremy at the bar. Before she could get there she was dragged to the dance floor by one of the editors she had made friends with and half an hour later was desperate for a drink.

"Red suits you," a familiar voice said behind her. She had gone for a deep red sleeveless top, sparkling with sequins across the front, and black skinny jeans with red pumps.

"Thanks, handsome. It suits you, too. Although I still like the leather," she said without turning around. Jeremy was also wearing a red shirt, rolled up to his elbows, with dress pants. Somehow the red accentuated the green in his eyes. She faced him and sipped her drink while she caught her breath, she could see him eyeing her, trying to work out his next move. He leaned in so she could hear him.

"We need to talk."

"Now? Can't we dance instead?"

"We could but I'm not sure that will get us anywhere."

"I prefer action to words, Jeremy. Especially tonight."

"Well I'm not currently getting any action, am I?"

"I never said sex was out of the question."

"I want more than that, though."

"I told you-

"I know. You need time. I get that. I'm gone at the end of next week, Kenzi. I'm not rushing you, but it will be months before I'm back. I don't mind waiting, but if you've made up your mind already please don't keep me hanging."

"I haven't. Made up my mind, I mean. Actually I have, I want you. I just don't know when yet. I can't give you a date. But if you find someone else in between..."

He frowned and turned away.

"I know you want a time frame, but I can't give you one. So I guess that makes up my mind, if you want a decision right now."

She watched him walk away. I'm not ready. _I don't want to answer to anyone yet, and I'm not ready to trust him while he's so far away._ All she could do was hope he decided she was worth waiting for.

 

 


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

"I've made a decision, Jed. A big one."

"Uh huh?"

"I'm going to keep my things in storage and travel. Work freelance if I get bored. But travel, take some time off and do whatever I feel like."

"Wow, that's huge. Sounds exciting! Where are you going first?"

"Nevada!"

"I- ok... Nevada?"

"Yup. Nevada."

"Why?"

"That's where my gut says to go first. My gut and my heart."

"Aaahhhh. I see. Have you told Jeremy of this exciting development?"

"Not yet, no. Tonight I think."

"You've made this decision in the last five minutes, haven't you. You know he's going tomorrow."

"Yes. And yes." She laughed and went to call him. They had just had lunch, and after a few days sorting her belongings out Kenzi had realised she could have freedom and Jeremy at the same time.

"Hello?" He sounded groggy.

"Were you asleep?"

"I might have had a little siesta, yes. What's up?"

"Ask me out again."

"What?"

"Ask me out for dinner again."

"Kenzi, I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Well have to go tonight, then."

"I'm not sure-"

"Jeremy, would you have dinner with me tonight?"

He sighed. "Yes, ok. Do you have somewhere in mind?"

"Nope." She heard him laugh.

"OK. I'll pick you up at 7?"

"I'll meet you at your house."

"OK. Anything else, boss?"

"I'll let you know."

* * *

 

"You don't think you're being a bit presumptuous, packing everything to go? What if he doesn't want you?" Kenzi shot Jed a look. "I just mean, what if tonight doesn't go as planned. Then you're stuck with everything in your car."

"Then I'll come back here, and everything will already be packed up," Kenzi smiled. She packed the last of her belongings she had brought to Jed's into the car and closed the door. All that remained was her overnight bag for tonight and the clothes she was about to put on. At 6 o'clock she showered and got dressed in a flowing blue strapless dress and silver sandals, leaving her hair loose and curly. She went to Jed in the living room and made him stand up, pulling him into a long tight hug. "Thank you so much Jed. For everything. You're an amazing friend and you've been so incredibly kind to me. Thank you."

"You're welcome lovely. It's so good to see you having fun, and making friends and smiling again. Come back and visit, ok? Are you going to do more films?"

"Hell yes. Especially for you!"

"I'll keep in touch then. Go get him. You two are beautiful together."

She drove to Jeremy's house and knocked on the door, he opened it wearing dark jeans and a green shirt and she pulled him straight into a kiss.

"Whoa, ok." He said when she pulled away and they went inside. "What was that for?"

"Being you. Hot, sexy, gorgeous, kind, did I mention sexy, you."

"Have you been drinking?" He grinned.

"Not yet."

"OK, you can tell me what this is about over dinner. We're going to be late."

Jeremy took her to a seafood restaurant on the water. It was relaxed but beautiful, and they were seated in a private corner. Once they had ordered, Kenzi asked for a bottle of champagne.

"Are we celebrating something?" Jeremy asked warily when it arrived.

"Yes. My freedom. And I've decided what to do with it." She took a deep breath. "I'm leaving everything here behind. Some in storage, but there's not much left. I'm going to take some time off and travel. Wherever I feel like going, wherever my heart takes me. Maybe do some freelance work along the way."

Jeremy's face dropped and he quickly smiled at her, but she could tell it was forced. "Cheers to that then. I'm really happy for you, that sounds exciting. When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow. I'm already packed up."

"Wow."

"You're not going to ask where I'm going?"

"OK, where are you going?"

"Wherever my heart takes me, Jeremy."

"Yeah you said-"

"My heart, is with you. I'm going with you. Wherever you go."

"Really? That's what you want?" She could see his face light up again and his eyes were sparkling.

"Yes. I want you. I might travel around a bit as well, but I'm going to Nevada with you tomorrow."

He reached across the table and took her hand in his, rubbing her knuckles. "I'm so happy, Kenzi. Oh my god. This is even better than I could have imagined. I can't wait." He beamed at her and only released her hand when their food arrived.

Back at Jeremy's house, he led her inside and straight to the bedroom. He could barely keep his hands off her during dinner and on the drive home, he couldn't wait any longer. She stood next to the bed and he kissed her deeply, exploring her mouth and tongue and leaving her panting while he unzipped and removed her dress and panties in one movement. She unbuttoned his shirt while he took in the sight in front of him. She was different to last time, firmer and more defined, and she wasn't at all shy. As she slid it off his shoulders she moved her mouth to his neck, kissing and tasting him while she removed his pants and pulled him back on top of her on the bed.

"God Kenzi the things I want to do to you," he said, slowly kissing down her neck to her breast.

"I'm yours, Jeremy. All yours." She said breathlessly as his tongue found her nipple and circled it slowly. He teased her for what felt like an eternity, always gentle touches and grazing over her most sensitive places, until she couldn't take any more. "Please, baby..."

All at once he took mercy on her, sliding two fingers inside her and teasing her nipple with his teeth. She moaned loudly and arched up to meet his fingers and mouth, reaching for his shaft and finding it fully erect. She gently ran her finger around the tip before taking it in her hand and firmly but slowly stroking down to the base, making him bite down on her and increase the depth of his fingers.

"I want you, Jeremy. Now," Kenzi said as she pulled his hips down toward her, guiding his shaft to her entrance as he removed his fingers. He slid his whole length inside her and she gasped, leaning up to kiss his mouth hungrily as he lay inside her. The feeling of fullness was almost all she needed, the incessant teasing had her almost at her peak. She ground her hips under him, begging for friction, and he sat up, lifting her hips on top of his thighs to get deeper before he started thrusting in and out slowly. Kenzi moaned and he could feel her tightening, he backed off a little and slowed further, making her whimper and wriggle. He smiled down at her.

"All in good time, gorgeous." He said devilishly. When her breathing slowed again he lifted under her arms so she was sitting astride him, keeping hold of her hips so she couldn't move too much, wanting to prolong this as long as he could. She bent to kiss his neck, running her tongue down over his collarbone and nibbling gently on his chest. She sucked a nipple in to her mouth and bit it gently as she moved her hips and he moved his hands so that she could set the pace. She didn't quicken too much but she took in his whole length with every stroke, pushing him almost instantly to the edge, and as soon as she picked up a little speed she began to convulse around him, kissing him hard as she reached her climax and her muscles spasmed around him, making him spill his seed inside her with a groan. They collapsed back on to the bed, hearts pounding and breathing rapidly. Kenzi lay her head on Jeremy's chest and closed her eyes, listening to his heart beat as it slowed beneath her, mirroring her own. He stroked her back gently and kissed the top of her head, and she realised for the first time in a long time she felt safe, like she was home.

As she started to drift off to sleep, Jeremy tilted her chin up so her eyes met his. "I love you, Kenzi." He said softly, kissing her lips.

 

 


End file.
